this is how i process, so deal with it…

heart-in-cage-Wallpaper

My heart has been buried alive

not once or twice but more than I care to admit

Back then I impetuously accused you for all things that went wrong 

As you watched me bleed because you would not commit

One after another my pattern unclear 

Is something offensively wrong with me

Yet I needed to draw you near

For a lifetime now I owned the words

accepted all the shame

Lies, deceit and opposition 

Pick your poison as it manifests it’s how we play the game 

 Which one is sicker in the end who stands tall

I stay to the death committed and strong 

Or perhaps it’s defeat as I begin to fall

A martyr once was the role I  wore best

Till one day victory won over 

Putting me to the test

How far can she bend till she breaks inside

Twisted like an old oak 

But more like a palm tree holding its pride

Brush it off this current layer of sludge 

Never mind what they’ve all told you

Only bitterness holds a grudge

Your spirit is within a bright and mighty soul

They never mean to harm and scathe

it’s just who they are 

It’s up to you to relinquish all the illusion of control

I am more than enough this lady worth having solely 

You will never convince me otherwise

Because I will always love you wholly 

I’m reminded who I am each time the sun sets low

A wonderful package full and complete 

A display of wonders to be lifted up never held below

A treasured one to behold, loved, honored and cherished

It’s not your fault you couldn’t see my value for all its worth

So hold your head low and watch as we parish 

It came to this as it typically does the inferno shoots the flame 

I have it all… heart, body, mind and soul

There is only you to blame 

Sleep well my little time bomb… 

Time-Bomb-Fuse-Ignite-Explosion-2 (1)

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if loving is a crime, then convict me…

rainbow

Forever in awe of a rainbow painted in the sky
Hope is what I’m after, longing to be free
Wishing on three white horses grazing in the grass
That love is out there waiting, someday it will find me

It does exist, I see it all around
In my child like ways loving with my whole heart
Unconditional and true, faithful and pure
Never understanding another who can tear it all apart

To play laugh and sing from the highest mountain top
Wondering how it would feel to be happy joyous and free
Just to be held when things are frightening
Yet always know it is safe just to be

Look into these innocent eyes tell me I am safe
Words are just that, hastily spoken destined to deceive
Why then this heart, so trusting and wide open
Despite of it all, it is desperate to believe

The chasing of his love just to feel worthy
Memories of anguish go as far back as seven
Daddy don’t leave me the pattern soon began
Fifteen years later mom would go to heaven

These insides weren’t just shredded but now have become empty
Depleted of love alone to figure it out and take that solo stand
Caring so deeply only meant you too would leave
So I grasp a bit tighter as it sifts through my hand

A heart forever on the mend
That same little girl in school
Playing follow the leader, led by whomever knew the way
Ending up lost again feeling like the fool

How broken I must be to accept the crumbs you offer
Deprivation reigns over while self worth is tattered
Why do I continue to hope and dream
My spirit once more is shattered

Messaged delivered, this time driven home hard
Everything is gone, I cringe in dismay
The power exchanged was destroyed in a flash
With one final shove you pushed me away

My rough edges have been softened
This girl somehow prevails though scared and all alone
Scarred and broken, wounded and raw
She has to figure out again how to make it on her own

the-girl-who-circumnavigated-the-world-in-a-dream-of-her-own-making-paul-bond

He let me go…

 

You didn’t bring me coffee

Was the day you set me free

So easy just to quit

Never to commit 

The love I felt inside

Nowhere did reside

Within your heart somewhere

Left me in despair 

High measures I didn’t meet

Often You would repeat

A threat to my wounded flesh

Now everything’s a mess

Were you good to me

In wonder I begin to see

Beyond the tears and sorrow

There has to be a better tomorrow

Placed out on the street

In my box left to meet

my fate destined to end this way

No promises of another day

Whoreish nightmares abound 

Treacherous realities found

Your meanings I couldn’t hear 

With codes vaguely clear

Trickery so masterful controlled

Failure in your eyes once again to be told

You’ve left me feeling numb

With nothing more than a crumb 

A desire to succeed 

Was all I needed to proceed

Heart reject this pain

Flow of love to remain

Torment please be over

Peace hurry come cover

Bring comfort and rest 

Find safety in my best

My life though uncertain

Has drawn another curtain

Transparency to reveal

Warm my flesh so I may feel

Unfold my purpose and grand design

There has to be more than a simple choice to resign 

In the shadows of You

confused and untrue

Back to myself I did come

Standing at a loss now wanting to run

How long before this comes to an end

No more struggles left to mend

My sincerest honest show

Still you let me go…

MIP_6293

 

random things that make this lg say, yum and hmm…

Fear has no place in our world as it can be cunning and this lg finds herself in an internal battle that she loses each and every time. Trusting that Daddy knows me better than i know myself is astounding. He listens and takes things into consideration, but i understand it is ultimately up to Him while my input is noted.

Squirms under His control, knowing full well i am secure, i endure, wanting this to escalate as the pain turns to pleasure, the wetness giving away my sin~cerity, Daddy persists, silencing my wincing, covering my mouth, kisses follow, i relax, He continues…

morning sex

The aroma of the mixed con”cock”tions from our juices left over from the evening before were potent as Daddy awoke His little girl’s senses once more in the wee hours of the morning. Gentle tugs on His now sore nipples from being well used, joined together with His big firm hands that engulf His tits while intertwining His strong legs with hers. As the intoxicating scent exhumed from beneath the covers this little girl is instantly aroused, soaked, wanting her Daddy with such desire. Daddy’s moans reveal the same as He finds His wetness yet again. “Good girl, just the way I like to find my kitty” as He begins to slide up and down, His cock hardening all over again…

Pushing this lg’s limits, Daddy satisfies His wants by taking what is His while fulfilling our fantasies as our bodies and souls connect deeper than imaginable. Moving beyond the touches of skin, erotic moans that fill the air and arousal that comes with a simple graze of His fingertips across His little girl’s body. His words accompanied with “baby” or “little girl” create an eagerness to please and serve Him always in all ways…

Training His girl in ways that used to merely spark His imagination have been brought to life. Creating an even safer place where vulnerability is embraced and caressed, this lg’s submission is becoming more intense. Daddy has added new toys to the nearly full box now. Additions to the family that Daddy had only envisioned until recently.  The reception from His girl has pleased Him beyond what His lg believes He’s ever dreamed possible. Well…

Daddy’s invasion of His little girl’s mind is a constant as is her submission to Him. His ability to continually keep control is a powerful gift bestowed upon this beauty of a Man that i am learning can be wearing on Him at times. Respectfully i share, “Daddy, in a sense i am training You as well, don’t You think? By training i mean, You are letting me do more for You than before Sir”. “Mmm hmm yes little girl, I can see that”, now all she wants is to suck her “thumb”…

Together we are learning as we evolve further into our DD/lg lifestyle. 

 

 

 

 

do you understand little girl…

Consistency is key, for without it i am easily confused,

“but why am i being punished for it this time when last time Daddy…”? 

“That’s on me baby girl, but I cannot reward this behavior.

Do you understand”?

“yes, Sir…”

Daddy has a lot of responsibilities and He’s not always perfect,

but this is…

the unequally yoked kitty and her former Sir…

bvnbbanner2

A kitty’s self-worth has been on trial for some time now. The defendant found guilty of constantly proving her right to be in the presence of the one she loved. Persecuted and condemned for falling short. Then humiliated, shamed, rejected and disciplined for not doing better. The daunting tasks of living up to high, unobtainable expectations placed upon her were more clear from the drive behind them. Somehow the plaintiff’s own bad behavior was supposed to be condoned according to her former Sir.

Galatians 5:19

  • The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Perhaps in your mind it gave you permission to string this kitty along by keeping her guessing and wondering what was wrong with her. The lie is, she wasn’t everything you ever needed. The truth is, she was more than you ever deserved. Where was your trial, condemnation and judgement? I have the easy answer to these, they didn’t exist. I never had a judgement police uniform on that gave me the right to convict you of wrongdoings. Why? Because my offerings came with unconditional love. Now I ask, where is your salvation and redemption? Do you know who your Redeemer is? “So sad, poor thing”…

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

  •  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

All the gains from this treacherous world amount to nothing if you are not seeking the One that holds the treasures and blessings to an abundant and wholesome life of fulfillment. Because you subscribe to the manosphere’s insidious notions to “fuck as much pussy as possible”, your fate and destiny have been sealed for making a pact with the evil one.

1 John 2:15-17

  • Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

Aside from the fact that is the behavior and mentality of a 20 or even 30-year-old,  at your age doll, you pretty well created the recipe for alone~ness. You WILL end up being that man sitting at what once was our table at the Hong Kong, by yourself. You had every part of me from the beginning to the end. The problem was, you were too terrified of falling under the trap of oneitis and that trance kept you from the best thing that could have ever happened to you and for you. “So sad, poor thing”…

Galatians 5:22

  • But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

the good book

B (asic) I (nstructions) B (efore) L (eaving) E (arth)

the human side of kitty…

caged heart

a warm body on a dark, lonely night

not caring who he is and that this doesn’t feel right

in the darkness I can’t see, I barely open my eyes

as a hand reaches out to touch me, this is my demise

how did I arrive here, to find myself in this place

just the other day I felt loved, now nothing but disgrace

these arms, they are not a comfort, his hands they feel all wrong

as they move across my body, clearly where they don’t belong

hurt and all alone, it’s my heart that’s crying out

the words they won’t come to my lips, yet give a silent shout

why wasn’t I all you ever needed, I ask the question again

dread and fear wash over, as he pushes himself within

tears begin to spill out, this is not the lady I want to be

with a final gasp he rolls over, suddenly I’m free

regret 2

filling the deep emptiness, I am sickened by who I have become

feeling ashamed and crushed by what I have just done

wanting him to leave, quickly get out the door

needing to be alone with my sadness and feel the pain once more

it happened in an instant, almost like a dream

I drifted through the air, then my body began to scream

in total revolt, his smell it washed away

begging The Lord for His forgiveness on this dark and dreary day

a moment of pure weakness, temptation sought me out

my suffering temporarily put to ease

now my mind is full of doubt

who is this hurting girl, acting out in this way

she feels betrayed and lost but that’s no excuse today

the hot water turns colder while thoughts still linger in her mind

run these feelings through she scolds, as the tape begins to rewind

she starts to punish herself, then makes a promise to the sky

never again will she lessen her self~worth 

but rather lift herself on high

her bed that once only knew, the smell and caress of Sir

now what has she done, nothing feels or seems sure

though her body is cleansed, her mind it runs deep

regret and remorse settle in while she slowly drifts off to sleep

as the sun awakens her from rest that is so rare

it occurs to this kitty, that what seemed so real

was indeed a whore~ish nightmare

bad dream

a lost kitty…

sad kitty

Where did Kitty go? Maybe the better question is, when did Kitty disappear? It was a subtle transition as my former Sir introduced a D/s lifestyle sometime back. At the time that was the way it was presented to me, a lifestyle, but somewhere along the way, the former Sir decided that a 24/7 wasn’t what he desired after all and the rules changed. The new memo was not entered into the invisible book, instead it was rather an assumption I was to just know . So lets keep it to a scene only D/s relationship, but continue to divulge in the lifestyle at particular moments that were never quite clear. The former Sir commanded and demanded every ounce of respect he was deserving of and kitty willingly complied.

He still deemed me his kitty and expected my submissiveness around the clock, when it worked for him, but still I wanted it. Confusion eroded this kitty’s brain. When do I behave as an authentic sub? The clouded version of what this looked like to kitty was far different from Sir’s version. When kitty was too playful in public, Sir gave disapproving looks with the assurance of correction when we got home. Another memo lost or blatantly not sub-mitted in the rule book. What was happening?

As time went on, the expectations placed on kitty increased to a larger scale that she began to feel defeated. There was such uncertainty to Sir’s rules that left kitty sitting in wonder and self-doubt of her obedience and  her role anymore. Often she became paralyzed by thoughts of making a wrong decision for fear of looking badly in her former Sir’s eyes. The last thing kitty ever wanted was to let him down. So she carried on as if all was well, because the former Sir would falsely lead her to believe that as the truth.

The deception that was being created was becoming unbearable to this once purring kitty. She now was in a constant state of inner turmoil that caused her to second guess her once confident self. The surety of what was to be a protected safe interaction between two people who consciously chose to enter a lifestyle together, quickly became tainted by extracurricular activities by her former Sir.

Long before they found themselves in this existence, the former Sir casually mentioned it once and he was told that his kitty does not share her Sir. Her boundaries clearly spoken, yet Sir held tight to his conviction that nothing had changed from when he first stated this long before. Here is where it became a muddled mess, a technicality if you will. Knowing my feelings that I am never willing to be one of many, why would I knowingly stay along for this ride? Why would Sir keep me? He didn’t need me.

Because it was not spoken of again, kitty thought she was understood and had nothing to fear.  How could it be viewed any other way I pleaded. According to the former Sir, because it was stated once, it didn’t deserve the consideration to be revisited as they evolved in their relationship and he carried on. Unspoken words on both sides have led us to this place of destruction, pain and sorrow.

As this lost kitty reflects back and comes to this present day, she mentally follows the path that brought us to this place we are now stuck in, turmoil of finality. The result has been the demise of this once faithfully purring kitty and, what I had assumed, was a satisfied, respected Sir.

We prided ourselves for our ability to communicate about anything, but even that became a criticized event on the former Sir’s side. His constant claiming that he was not being heard or his concerns being considered was inaccurate from my side. It began to feel like I was dealing with a man whose past life continually taunts and tortures him and I was somehow responsible for cleaning up the wreckage created by those who came before me.

Now this kitty feels she has been led astray, broken, crushed and wounded. Was there malicious, self sabotaging intent on the former Sir’s part? I cannot definitively answer that, for it would be mere speculation, but it feels that way. The reasons that come up for me are  his own paralyzing fear to commit for fear of betrayal from the women in his past.

For this kitty to have entered into such a deep, intimate interaction between two people that is solely based on trust, I now feel very deceived and extremely used and abused. My former Sir broke the rules and the trust that must accompany the standards of this world we became a part of. Too often the rules were rewritten and his kitty never received a copy. She was left to guess, figure things out and when she couldn’t, there was unfair punishment administered. Usually in the form of her former Sir withholding himself from her as he, “made room for others” because I “wasn’t interested in stepping up”. To what, I never had defined concisely, only left feeling depleted of his love. That was highly torturous and demeaning to kitty.

In the end, kitty’s Sir stripped her the right to call him her Sir any longer, deeming her unworthy and she is to “earn that privilege back over time” when her former Sir lets her know. She continued to fall short in his eyes, so she tried harder to no avail. Eventually the light shined down on the truth, that her former Sir had in fact not committed to her in the way she had thought. Instead he eluded her for some time as she continued to feel excluded and doubted he ever intended to give her any part of him.

It is now clear that this once amazing Dominant had become Domineering. It was a gradual shift, but over the course of events had become apparent to kitty. Now she is left holding her heart in her hands as her tears continue to shed, wondering how she arrived at this place…

trust in the Lord

taking it down a notch…

psalm 30 5

I think I remembered to breathe today. I cannot be certain, but I don’t feel light-headed, so that is a good sign. Once asleep about midnight, I slept through the night, well until 5 a.m., but not uninterrupted by any means. As I awoke to the stillness and realized it was dark out, the tape immediately started to play in my beat down brain. I rolled over as a tear streamed down my cheek. Cruel images began to consume me. I angrily asked God to stop the thoughts and let me rest. He blessed me with three more hours.

This girl speaks with God on a daily basis. Not just upon wakening to give praise in this day The Lord has made, but I also remind myself that I will rejoice and be glad in it. I believe and declare of His goodness often in my day as I turn my will and my life over to the care of my Creator. 

I have had quite the outpouring of support from several ladies in the blog world along with my best friend, a second runner-up and my life coach. None of these vessels which God uses to send me messages and blessings, tell me what they think I ought to do. He can see the grand design all laid out in perfect divine order and how all the pieces fit. You all hold my heart, wipe my tears, console me and assure me I am not alone. There have been very little derogatory remarks made because regardless of what has happened, I know I love this man and he is human, but that does not erase what has been done and the things that were said. 

While I cannot pray this away, the damage has been done. I know in time I will rise above it and come out the other side stronger for it all. I get to ask God what is the lesson in all of this? I know there is one and eventually it will be revealed. Meanwhile, I wait and press on. He grants me new mercy every day to walk a little further through it with grace and less pain.

I have puked out so much in these last 48 hours, particularly the past 12 with vile words and an attack on one undeserving poor soul. Fortunately, he understood that his words, which were meant for comfort, came from a male perspective that I simply could not swallow. They sounded too familiar and so far from accuracy that even if there was an ounce of truth intended, I could not receive it right now. He meant well…

So while I am feeling less angry for the moment, I am no closer to acceptance around any of this. What a challenge to get to that place. There are many bumps to maneuver over and obstacles to face, but getting there is my only choice if I am to find peace in the middle of it all.

One of my favorite songs is fitting for my broken heart that desperately wants to mend. It implies I need to be broken, so I can be healed, emptied so I can be filled, lonely so I want no one more than The Lord, till He is my One desire, my One true love, my everything…

the lord

Her wounds cut deep, a reflection of her soul…

you may not want to hear this or may not want to say

but God truly is love and He will prove it to you this day

what you may not see perhaps or simply cannot believe

you are a child of His a treasure deserving to receive

God's design

She hides behind her wounds and tears

the pain so deep running from her fears

searching for love desperate to feel

how scarred her insides will they ever heal

her arms show traces of what cuts through her heart

the broken little girl shattered and torn apart

whom can she trust to hold her by the hands

to lead her where she’s safe from all of life’s demands

she’s scared and all alone in a world that seems so cruel

but what she has yet to discover a love that’s honest and true

 lost and walking aimlessly

 God help this child of Yours

she’s only wanting to be set free

filling her with wisdom life and of love

this I pray unto You my Lord in Heaven above

 love-of-god-through-stormy-times