what happens now…

the work in front of me is solely in my hand 

though exciting and difficult will take me where I need to stand

this layer has been peeled slow and savagely

excruciating at times uncovering secret portions of me 

embedded deep down waiting to arrive 

lost for so long just trying to survive

how did she compact herself that deeply in her soul

time to come out and embrace the life that she may finally know
breaking free of the shackles once timid and so shy
wanting to stretch her untamed wings so she can start to fly
what was it all about the heaviness on her heart
tangled up in her shame burdens that kept her in doubt
the subtle remarks became an everyday expression
how unimportant she seemed a lifetime of feeling less than
where had she gone her identity slipped away
only to be seen if she was pleasing you each and every day
the story of her life her earliest recollections age three
 if she had just done more she could know how to just be
consumed with all the memories that were haunting in her mind
it took loving you for them to at last become untied
wondering and struggling why this unsettling behavior
a deep yearning for direction and love from this man to be her earthly savior
for the first time in this life someone truly cared
has taken the time to seek beyond took a chance because he dared
sorting through her wounds the mask under which she would hide
with his patience he did find the broken little girl hidden deep inside
this man who has encompassed her as a blessing for a reason
 lifting her up to move forward and walk through this tough season
it was in losing her that she lost him of which she cannot deny
not the isolated events nor her willingness to try
the excavation is underway a complete overhaul it may take
every broken part of her she prays for The Lord to remake
the valleys still to walk through the mountains left to climb
a soul worthy of love a spirit to refine
the goal for this lady keep pressing on till she reaches the other side
encountering bumps and jagged rocks but oh what a fucking ride
surfin kitty
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Going through the motions…

Help me Lord

Something has changed and I think it is me

I am not the girl I used to be

once timid and shy

lacking confidence and esteem always afraid to try

invisible I became in a shell I hid inside

the safest place I chose to reside

never feeling a sense of belonging I tried to break free

all I ever wanted was just to be me

choices were a luxury escaping from my life

settling on the things that came no matter what the strife

any power I may have owned was taken without a fight

further disappearing into the darken night

soon to discover it wasn’t others who took my heart

it was my own undoing I gave it freely only to be torn apart

starving for that special affection taking any morsel offered

I’d find myself once again heading in the wrong direction

I gave the desperate need to fill this empty hole

looking back it is becoming clear who broke this wounded soul

a little girl without her daddy simply wanting his protection

couldn’t stand alone again feeling the cutting rejection

losing mom felt the same once more

only this time I would slam the door

with my heart completely shredded how could I believe

that I would ever be worthy of love so deserving to receive

I have grown in strength looking to heaven above

from my Heavenly Father I am filled with love

He has never left abandoned or forsaken

it was I who never leaned on Him until my world was taken

today I pray God please heal the little girl bind up her gaping wound

she never asked for anything more than to feel love please bring it to her soon

as the inside work is being done moved and shifted around

I feel the torment of uncomfortable feelings that God is tearing down

He is lifting me high assuring me now

I will be alright He promises He is showing me how

be patient with Me child is all that I ask

you do the work while I perform the task

through all the emotions the vast array of feelings

the road seems endless to get to the healing

in my life I want peace though daunting and bleak

to be unshackled from my past is all that I seek…

healing grace

He is not to be challenged…

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be accountable, take responsibility of one’s own life, achieve emotional maturity…

I will be the first one to admit my part in the demise of my 18 year, broken marriage some 6 years ago. After all, even I played a 5% role in the spiral down. The only way I was able to find relief from the burden of guilt, was to accept that I had even a small part. Here is where I get to share that my ex-husband’s contribution was found at the bottom of any bottle. This is not to evoke a round of “aww’s”, just merely painting the picture for a clearer understanding. The infamous, “blame and shame game” is over.

I have worked through many years of self discovery to find a more complete, healthier me just waiting to be revealed. I thought I would never know the girl who was waiting inside to come out. I spent so many years fighting against everything I grew up watching, especially the learned behavior that was inflicted upon me. It had such negative affects on me that I acted as a bitter feminist on the outside, while the feminine young lady was screaming to get out.

Everything in my life was spinning out of control. My only device and illusion, was a meager attempt to control  my own environment. This is “my part” of which I mentioned. I challenged the father of my children on every turn. I had no respect for him as a man, nor did I have confidence in his role as leader. The results for this already beta male, was to step back (and down) surrender to the idea of his wife, the mom, to take charge. It disgusts me now to think of it, but it was what it was. The lessons far outweigh the regrets for I am a better woman having walked through them.

Fast forward to today…I can now see the maturity and confidence I have gained from my life experiences. The facade of that feminist, thankfully died as I came into my true self by surrendering that old stinkin’ thinkin’. It no longer serves a purpose in my life.

Lately, as Captain and I interact, I have been taking stock in my inner feelings. I realized that when he speaks in his stern, directive way, I make an honest attempt to listen intently. Though sometimes it needs repeating (oh how he despises that). I know that when I ask for him to restate his words, it is a huge trigger from his past. (not being heard or listened to) I would never consider challenging him. Don’t get me wrong, I have not turned into a mindless drone, I simply know that while I have a voice, his word is final.

All of these ramblings I put out here are instrumental in my positive, mental health. The unveiling of my personal struggles along with my successes, help me to see my own progress. The only options for me today are, I get to glance back without staring, but I must move forever forward. My journey thus far does not define me, however it has built my character. I am a blessed lady~thank you God!