I drove by your house today…

The house I have never known, just like the man sitting inside of it. My heart cried as I drove on by, I began to wonder if I had the right address. I stopped to confirm and as I turned around I knew. There was a certainty that came over me. I sat in the stillness, alone with my thoughts while they raced through my brain. Where were the memories of long ago? A connection, a sign that says “welcome, come on in”. What was I hoping to see, to find, to happen? I didn’t have the answers other than I am still that little girl chasing after you and waiting, hoping to be found. 

A tear streamed down one cheek as another fell right behind it. I may not have understood what I was doing, but I do know what I felt. Another reminder I continually search and long for a place where I belong. To seek comfort and rest, to finally call some place home. 

I wanted to scream as my insides dictated the remorse and sadness, “for a lifetime now, I have felt so fucked up because of your desertion!” But instead I sat there and stared at an unfamiliar little compound and wondered what I might behold behind that fence of steel, locked gate and closed-door. Warmth, safety, peace and joy? Did it really matter? I sat and lingered a few minutes more contemplating, but these hands wouldn’t open the door to the wall that it put up long ago. In that instant as the tears subsided, a hurt little girl wanted you to feel just an ounce of the pain that has inflicted me my whole life. That has misdirected my choices and pushed me to settle for things I believe I am only merely deserving of in this life.

As I allowed my thoughts to wander for what felt like sort of an eternity, the fantasy erected in my head. A version of life which I had been longing for. As the images washed over me like the fresh falling rain coming down, a loud honk from behind jolted me back into my current reality. There I sat, quietly in my car, imagining you peacefully in your chair, while I face the truth once more.

For once in my life, I desperately wanted you to hug me, to take away this heavy burden of shame I carry on my shoulders, to hear you tell me it’s not my fault, I love you and never meant to hurt you. More than anything I want to stop blaming you for who I am today because I know my character was built on it, but it doesn’t have to continue to define me. I need a sense of normalcy in my life, to stop behaving like that wounded, abandoned little girl more often than not. To stop believing there is something so fundamentally wrong with me that I constantly sabotage my own happiness. Please change my thinking so I can move past this and be free of self-doubt and replace it with self-confidence, that you never instilled in me.(blame and shame)

Instead I write my heart out and sometimes I cry in frustration. The little girl inside gets scared when she’s all alone or left straggling behind. Then she copes with her broken tools gathered over the years in hopes to rise above the deep-seated anger that surfaces at the most inopportune times. These are the unpleasantries that reveal the depths of my brokenness even I don’t like to see, nor show.

No longer do they serve this grown up lady I so desperately want to be. I pray God to bind them up and heal me whole for the woman buried deep inside of me.

I drove by your house today…

maybe next time I’ll find the courage to stop…

Advertisements

I have but one life, I choose to keep it simple…

this moment

My beautiful, bad girl cat woke me about three to five times last night. Because of her, I lost critical sleep. Then, as the morning awakened me and my eyes reluctantly opened, suddenly life began to feel bigger. I asked myself, in the grand scheme of things, is it? The correct answer is no, only if I choose to let it be. This is when I recognize how important it is to keep it simple. Understand that I am tired now, a little irritable and just need to take extra care of myself today. So I gave myself permission to do just that.

As I lay here, fighting against getting up to start my day, I begin to reflect upon a phone call from my number two son last night. This young man has taken his place up on his throne that is dubbed “the pity pot”. It is not a learned behavior he witnessed in me, but it will be his undoing if he doesn’t man up and accept life on life’s terms. He is a nineteen year old father of a beautiful, two year old daughter. Recently, he and the mother ended their unhealthy relationship. Kudos to them for not prolong the pain. A lesson that was hard learned for me a mere seven years ago. I praised him for taking charge of this area of his life in order for it to be less complicated.

In the midst of our phone call, the Captain beeped in. I told my #2 I would call him back. Thank you Lord, I needed a breather from the rant that was on that end. What a beautiful sound of sexy, deep tones coming at me on the other line now. Just what I needed to hear. As I told him of my conversation, he asked what is it with these #2’s of ours.

Captain is watching his daughter go through some difficulties in her own relationship. He helps me with his manly, alpha wisdom when it come to my three sons. I know it is because he cares and understands what it is to have an unavailable father, just as my sons are lacking. He gave me many pearls to share when I called my son back. In short, it was to tell him, “this is his job, raising his daughter now and to man up about it”. Captain knows how much my son loves his daughter and what a dedicated father he is. It makes me burst with pride watching him with her. She truly is the love of his life.

If there is one thing I admire in this son of mine, it is that he has lived by his own mantra, “I got this”, usually followed by “mom”.  As I was talking with him and conveying the Captain’s direction to tell him to “man up and own his responsibility, this is his job now”. I was remembering all the accomplishments this son of mine had conquered in a short period of time. I took this opportunity now to remind him of these.

When he was just 10 credits shy of graduating with his class, he pulled out all the stops and made that happen. He knew he would need money to take care of his baby that was due one month after graduation, so he obtained a job and three months later, he had two. Next came the need for a driver’s license and a car, check, check. Finally, a place to call their very own. His daughter turned four months old and the three of them moved into their very own apartment.

When this young man sets out to do something, he gets it done. I have never been more proud of him. So when this same son called me in tears of frustration and what sounded like agony from remorse and resentments, I wanted to jump into mom mode and ease his breaking heart. Gratefully, I was quickly steered away from wanting to caudal him to becoming harsh by not allowing him to remain so emotional. Captain assured me it is what he needs and as always, he was right!

Because of the support I received, I was able to advise this son to stop engaging in conversations with his baby’s mom. That she clearly is just trying to bait and hook him because she is a scorned female. She is a screeching, blue pill young woman who learned from her mom how not to behave. Someone like that does not know how to exist unless there are toxic fumes fueling her drama filled head. Sad as it is, it is equally difficult to watch them go through this. Today I know, that in order for them to change the behavior, the pain must be increased. I promised this son that this too shall pass.

I am so blessed to have come to a place in my own life that I can weigh and measure things by asking myself, “how important is this”? Do I choose to complicate my life by owning other people’s shit? Certainly not, even when it belongs to my own child. Their lessons belong to them as do their consequences for all their actions. No one walked through my challenges for me and I came out the other side better for every single one. Something that is hard to see in the moment.

Each one of my sons knows and feels all the love I have in my heart for them. I tell them every chance I get. What’s more important is that I show them by taking care of myself as they witness my own healthy behavior these days. The rewards I receive as a mom is watching their lives unfold and then relish in the blessings they receive. It was pointed out to me some years ago that, when a son comes to his mom with the big stuff in his life, he feels secure because I am the safest place he knows and goes. I used to think that was a beautiful gesture. Now I worry that they will try to hold onto my apron strings that I am working hard at severing for their own growth.

cut the strings

It is time for me to get off of their backs, get out of their way, and get on with my own life…

Crossing his boundaries, bad state to be in…

boundaries

Just when I think I am being such a good girl, I cross the man’s boundaries by being suchagirl!  I don’t mean he drew a line in the sand and I am performing some ultimate shit test. I never do that with him, but at times my girl brain gets ahead of the man. It is so fucking subtle to me that I don’t even realize I am doing it.

After a magnificent week alone on the houseboat, nowhere to hide or have much alone time for him, we still had a beautiful time, as my previous post revealed. I understand how important his solitude is to him and I respect that. So why in the hell can’t I help myself when he clearly needs to breathe and do his “manly shit” back at home? Because I love being in his presence, that’s why!

I am not a manipulative person, but I do know, and the Captain has pointed out that, I want what I want when I want it. I loathe being in that state of mind. It is a deep-rooted fear that stems from abandonment issues. This much I know, but exercising these fulfillment needs on him is strictly forbidden, as well it should be, He has his own stuff to work through still and Lord knows I do too.

Tonight my prayer is this, “God, please remind me I am okay, whole, beautiful and loved. You are my protection when I feel weak. Only You can lift me up for my highest good because You are BIGGER than any sorrow or woe that may cross my way. So please take away my urgency and need to push his boundaries when all that does is begin to build a wall that we’ve worked so hard to crumble. In Your name, Amen!”

So, Captain called me on my shit. He expressed his feelings of being bulldozed tonight by my not allowing him to completely lead in the area of our time spent together. I posed a final question to him, “are we okay?” His response, “not now, but we will be.” Crushed and relieved at the same time, my only choice was to accept it and once again, do better!

Wow, does life take some twists and turns when least expected. One minute were rockin the boat, makin sexy waves for days and the next, some old bad behavior rears its ugly head and I am feeling stupid for being suchagirl!

I am not beating myself up over this, but I am mindful of his feelings. I desperately want to understand because I firmly believe it is far more important to understand than to be understood. I respect and adore this man more than I ever thought possible. Hell, I have never let anyone cum in my mouth before, so that says a lot for us. 😉

Perhaps I am whining a bit here, but being a girl at heart, it sometimes is allowed. Captain knows when I am seeking attention and I love it when he holds me accountable for that. Why do I need it? I don’t, it’s my own little insecurities and my shit to work through. Meanwhile, I will carry on and thank the Good Lord for working in my life. I also pray for a pardon from the Captain. I understand this is a huge foul for him, yet I hope he understands me.

line in the sand