singing my own praises…

I am not a full participant in my own life. For as long as I can remember, the definition of me has always been dependent upon you. My happiness derived from your contentment. Often I choose solitude over seeking fulfillment of experiences. Seemingly glad to wait the time for me to decide my fate while life is in session. The parade of opportunity and destiny passes me by. Another task to conquer first then the rewards shall be mine, but that day doesn’t come.

Permission is not granted to take a break and enjoy the moment at hand. Still, there is far to go before a breath can be fully absorbed. Hold tight to the ropes and shackles that bind. Exhaling is a luxury when there’s still so much to accomplish the illusions I create in my mind.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” I once heard someone say. The memo was lost somewhere along the way; “Life is too short to not take that gamble, that risk or leap of faith”. Still I practice patience, trust what I cannot see and wait in the balance. Others flutter by me some a mere blur. Their arms gesture a, “come join me”, but still I stare. Standing in wonder sometimes at what their lives hold, the treasures and secrets they get to share.

So I continue this journey on the path of straight and narrow. A good girl I’ve only ever known how to be. Scared to do it afraid, quite the conundrum when I think about it. I shrug towards them to the point of an ironic giggle. Someone said to me recently, “I can’t believe you would do this (enormous gesture) for me when you won’t even consider doing it for yourself”. Still learning to honor me.

His statement gave me great pause and I thought, no one has ever asked me to put my life on hold. It has been by my own hand and fear of losing something that I make these choices. If I move too quickly or freely without a care, but with regard to my own thoughts and actions, what will you do? After all that’s only considerate of me, but it’s what I witness in action of you, to thine own self be true.

When may I begin to see that I too deserve to live a life that was intended to be honored, full of love, happiness, comfort, tolerance, compassion and joy, carefree and in this moment content to simply be me. Walk parallel with you even one length aside, joined together in partnership truly taking things in stride, witnessing the miracles as they lay across our path, my hand in yours embracing of this great big world a warm, gentle bath.

Alone is not the purpose of which we were created to be. Things are unimportant in comparison to unity. If I had a magic wand a hypnotic spell to cast over, I’d wash away the burdens and contradictions that loom above and hover. Inside my eager heart often I do pray for clarity and direction. At the same time I toss in, “and God reveal to him as You may, your intention and affection”. Keep making me whole and complimentary to this world as I am meant to be that blessing, the one who touches the souls who are lost and in need.

Alone I came upon this glorious fruitful earth. Divided by the works of some I learned to quietly accept and ingest what was given. Figure out the difficulties a way to overcome. Do what you are told and the battle will be done. Peace shall consume this soul of impurities just as love has redeemed most of my wounds and insecurities.

I shall never give up on myself as challenging as I can become. Rendered a blessing to most a powerful influence of one, the messenger, a vessel with a grand assignment to be done. Remove thyself from your shadow my own light I must exhume, I’ve placed myself in the darkness now I must resume.

Who branded me of such limitation that I was not worthy for more than merely a frustration? I speak reverently of you as my promise and devotion all the while an inside disruption from non-reciprocal emotion. Opposites of attraction deemed such a quality match, tolerance and deep understanding are a kinder to my heart that you are the righteous catch. I have looked deep between the lines and found many triumphs and great pleasure that I truly am that golden harp laden with beauty for you to treasure…

this little girl’s heart of gratitude…

if i were suddenly gone…

 memory

i didn’t see her at first as she walked into the post office. i closed my box, taking my key out and turned to see her face. Immediately, tears sprang to her eyes as a sudden jolt of pain coursed through her hollow heart. Without hesitation i walked straight towards this long time friend of mine, arms open wide for her to collapse for the moment. The only words to form my lips were “i love you, i’m so sorry”.  

She was on autopilot, then repeated them back to me, “I love you too” as a gentle sob emerged from her chest. In an instant i felt her pain and agony over losing her husband in a tragic, freak accident just months earlier. This was no coincidence to see one another, because it is a very rare occurence for our paths to cross. No, God knew exactly what she needed and He made that Divine appointment in her honor, possibly mine as well. This little girl is no stranger to sudden loss.

as i write my thoughts down whether here on my personal, semi-private (from my real life) blog, or my endless journals that are found in different bags, cupboards and tables throughout my home, along with my laptop filled with word docs, i think, “if The Good Lord took me home in an instant, who would read my deepest thoughts”? Suddenly it occurred to me, my heart and soul are bared to no one in particular, but for anyone to read. my mind drifts to my three sons first. Would they embrace having the knowledge knowing their mom even better than they do now?

 

i’m reminded of the movie Bridges of Madison County and how upon her death, Merle Streep revealed her true self in her journals to her grown children at last. Her daughter was filled with delight as her son shivered at the thought of his mother having sex at all, let alone with a complete stranger to him whom she was deeply in love with. Lucky girl to have known that love. 

i’ve not drawn any conclusion as to how i feel about this “what if” scenario that has given me pause, but honestly i’m not hiding anything in the preparation of “just in case” either. Everything will remain as is. i welcome the idea of at the very least, my three sons “getting to know” their true submissive mom and her journey of life.

Having a close relationship with each of them in our own unique ways, i would never be embarrassed and certainly not ashamed of who i am. It would be my hope and heart’s deepest desire that knowing the truth and accepting that i lived very happily within my lifestyle, would make them smile. i already have the picture in my heart and mind of them sitting around the bonfire with their cigs and bottle of whatever, toasting mom and chuckling together at the real life me that they probably already suspect anyhow.

::giggle and cheers boys::

They all know i love them each to the moon and back.

Nothing else matters.

Living with no regrets, speaking the truth of what is on my heart at the moment it is placed there, is how i choose to live life today. It is far to precious a gift not to cherish every golden moment, challenge and triumph.

my contentment…a life of serving within a relationship of honesty and integrity that includes structure, respect, honor, trust, patience, adoration,  excitement, fun, erotic sex and love, formed and created out of Dominance and submission, allowing the other freedom to “just be” while naked and vulnerable, as the raw flesh we were born to be within each other’s presence.  Personally i celebrate it and have faith that so would those who are privy to my special life… 

i’ve learned the difficult way to never be afraid of those three little words that are the only reason we are even here to enjoy and embrace this earthly walk called life.  I love you, say it boldly and loudly, softly and constantly, feel it, declare it, mean it, know it, hold it, understand it’s abundance, that it covers all, because in the end, it is the only thing that anyone can ever take with them and also leave behind…

I LOVE YOU