living intentionally…

rejoice…

I am a design made of multiple complexities, minor flaws and major attributes. I don’t come with an instruction manual nor do I possess a large quantity of malfunctioning parts, but I can tell you this; 

life-on-purpose-thin-black-border

revel…

I am lovable beyond belief, irreplaceable to the point of regret, strong in matters of the heart, more loyal than the puppy next door with patience near that of a kitty waiting outside a mouse’s little house, have integrity as the day is long and contain an abundance of love that is never-ending.  

regret…

If suddenly I were a flame that flickered out, destined to become the faint memory that once graced your life, would you gasp in disbelief that my breath is no longer yours to take in, that what is has become what was and everything you ever knew and thought to be has irreversibly changed in an instant for eternity.

remorse…

Panic stricken and riddled with fear, desperately wanting the hands of time to turn back. You clutch for one more chance, a solitary moment, even if only for a second to say those unspoken words, to undo what has been done, to hold tighter to what could have been, to value what always was, to at last understand the meaning of a precious commodity, to create moments that leave memories etched upon your heart over completion of mundane tasks, to have taken the time to discover all the possibilities of what could have been, to know what it feels like to have your spirit remade, to indulge in pure joy and contentment, to receive new mercy with every new-born day, to know what it means to be filled with love, but instead you are now left with how it truly is.

reality…

time stands still as Your heart beats slow

hitting Your knees head sinks low

 guilt rages within eyes overflow 

looking up to the sky sorrow begins to grow

 pain so intense next time You will know…

the human side of kitty…

caged heart

a warm body on a dark, lonely night

not caring who he is and that this doesn’t feel right

in the darkness I can’t see, I barely open my eyes

as a hand reaches out to touch me, this is my demise

how did I arrive here, to find myself in this place

just the other day I felt loved, now nothing but disgrace

these arms, they are not a comfort, his hands they feel all wrong

as they move across my body, clearly where they don’t belong

hurt and all alone, it’s my heart that’s crying out

the words they won’t come to my lips, yet give a silent shout

why wasn’t I all you ever needed, I ask the question again

dread and fear wash over, as he pushes himself within

tears begin to spill out, this is not the lady I want to be

with a final gasp he rolls over, suddenly I’m free

regret 2

filling the deep emptiness, I am sickened by who I have become

feeling ashamed and crushed by what I have just done

wanting him to leave, quickly get out the door

needing to be alone with my sadness and feel the pain once more

it happened in an instant, almost like a dream

I drifted through the air, then my body began to scream

in total revolt, his smell it washed away

begging The Lord for His forgiveness on this dark and dreary day

a moment of pure weakness, temptation sought me out

my suffering temporarily put to ease

now my mind is full of doubt

who is this hurting girl, acting out in this way

she feels betrayed and lost but that’s no excuse today

the hot water turns colder while thoughts still linger in her mind

run these feelings through she scolds, as the tape begins to rewind

she starts to punish herself, then makes a promise to the sky

never again will she lessen her self~worth 

but rather lift herself on high

her bed that once only knew, the smell and caress of Sir

now what has she done, nothing feels or seems sure

though her body is cleansed, her mind it runs deep

regret and remorse settle in while she slowly drifts off to sleep

as the sun awakens her from rest that is so rare

it occurs to this kitty, that what seemed so real

was indeed a whore~ish nightmare

bad dream

I have but one life, I choose to keep it simple…

this moment

My beautiful, bad girl cat woke me about three to five times last night. Because of her, I lost critical sleep. Then, as the morning awakened me and my eyes reluctantly opened, suddenly life began to feel bigger. I asked myself, in the grand scheme of things, is it? The correct answer is no, only if I choose to let it be. This is when I recognize how important it is to keep it simple. Understand that I am tired now, a little irritable and just need to take extra care of myself today. So I gave myself permission to do just that.

As I lay here, fighting against getting up to start my day, I begin to reflect upon a phone call from my number two son last night. This young man has taken his place up on his throne that is dubbed “the pity pot”. It is not a learned behavior he witnessed in me, but it will be his undoing if he doesn’t man up and accept life on life’s terms. He is a nineteen year old father of a beautiful, two year old daughter. Recently, he and the mother ended their unhealthy relationship. Kudos to them for not prolong the pain. A lesson that was hard learned for me a mere seven years ago. I praised him for taking charge of this area of his life in order for it to be less complicated.

In the midst of our phone call, the Captain beeped in. I told my #2 I would call him back. Thank you Lord, I needed a breather from the rant that was on that end. What a beautiful sound of sexy, deep tones coming at me on the other line now. Just what I needed to hear. As I told him of my conversation, he asked what is it with these #2’s of ours.

Captain is watching his daughter go through some difficulties in her own relationship. He helps me with his manly, alpha wisdom when it come to my three sons. I know it is because he cares and understands what it is to have an unavailable father, just as my sons are lacking. He gave me many pearls to share when I called my son back. In short, it was to tell him, “this is his job, raising his daughter now and to man up about it”. Captain knows how much my son loves his daughter and what a dedicated father he is. It makes me burst with pride watching him with her. She truly is the love of his life.

If there is one thing I admire in this son of mine, it is that he has lived by his own mantra, “I got this”, usually followed by “mom”.  As I was talking with him and conveying the Captain’s direction to tell him to “man up and own his responsibility, this is his job now”. I was remembering all the accomplishments this son of mine had conquered in a short period of time. I took this opportunity now to remind him of these.

When he was just 10 credits shy of graduating with his class, he pulled out all the stops and made that happen. He knew he would need money to take care of his baby that was due one month after graduation, so he obtained a job and three months later, he had two. Next came the need for a driver’s license and a car, check, check. Finally, a place to call their very own. His daughter turned four months old and the three of them moved into their very own apartment.

When this young man sets out to do something, he gets it done. I have never been more proud of him. So when this same son called me in tears of frustration and what sounded like agony from remorse and resentments, I wanted to jump into mom mode and ease his breaking heart. Gratefully, I was quickly steered away from wanting to caudal him to becoming harsh by not allowing him to remain so emotional. Captain assured me it is what he needs and as always, he was right!

Because of the support I received, I was able to advise this son to stop engaging in conversations with his baby’s mom. That she clearly is just trying to bait and hook him because she is a scorned female. She is a screeching, blue pill young woman who learned from her mom how not to behave. Someone like that does not know how to exist unless there are toxic fumes fueling her drama filled head. Sad as it is, it is equally difficult to watch them go through this. Today I know, that in order for them to change the behavior, the pain must be increased. I promised this son that this too shall pass.

I am so blessed to have come to a place in my own life that I can weigh and measure things by asking myself, “how important is this”? Do I choose to complicate my life by owning other people’s shit? Certainly not, even when it belongs to my own child. Their lessons belong to them as do their consequences for all their actions. No one walked through my challenges for me and I came out the other side better for every single one. Something that is hard to see in the moment.

Each one of my sons knows and feels all the love I have in my heart for them. I tell them every chance I get. What’s more important is that I show them by taking care of myself as they witness my own healthy behavior these days. The rewards I receive as a mom is watching their lives unfold and then relish in the blessings they receive. It was pointed out to me some years ago that, when a son comes to his mom with the big stuff in his life, he feels secure because I am the safest place he knows and goes. I used to think that was a beautiful gesture. Now I worry that they will try to hold onto my apron strings that I am working hard at severing for their own growth.

cut the strings

It is time for me to get off of their backs, get out of their way, and get on with my own life…