I grew up (started to) when I learned to it different…

This is how it will start, my notes, my story, my life. God is amazing. He always does for me what I usually can never do for myself. Either because I am afraid and I don’t trust the process, or I simply lack the strength to do the right thing. I don’t have to like it, but as long as I accept it, I can get to the other side a little quicker, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. He reminds me I am never alone as long as I walk with Him…

I’m getting a little bit stronger…

 my saving grace song no matter how much love lingers in my heart for you

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if loving is a crime, then convict me…

rainbow

Forever in awe of a rainbow painted in the sky
Hope is what I’m after, longing to be free
Wishing on three white horses grazing in the grass
That love is out there waiting, someday it will find me

It does exist, I see it all around
In my child like ways loving with my whole heart
Unconditional and true, faithful and pure
Never understanding another who can tear it all apart

To play laugh and sing from the highest mountain top
Wondering how it would feel to be happy joyous and free
Just to be held when things are frightening
Yet always know it is safe just to be

Look into these innocent eyes tell me I am safe
Words are just that, hastily spoken destined to deceive
Why then this heart, so trusting and wide open
Despite of it all, it is desperate to believe

The chasing of his love just to feel worthy
Memories of anguish go as far back as seven
Daddy don’t leave me the pattern soon began
Fifteen years later mom would go to heaven

These insides weren’t just shredded but now have become empty
Depleted of love alone to figure it out and take that solo stand
Caring so deeply only meant you too would leave
So I grasp a bit tighter as it sifts through my hand

A heart forever on the mend
That same little girl in school
Playing follow the leader, led by whomever knew the way
Ending up lost again feeling like the fool

How broken I must be to accept the crumbs you offer
Deprivation reigns over while self worth is tattered
Why do I continue to hope and dream
My spirit once more is shattered

Messaged delivered, this time driven home hard
Everything is gone, I cringe in dismay
The power exchanged was destroyed in a flash
With one final shove you pushed me away

My rough edges have been softened
This girl somehow prevails though scared and all alone
Scarred and broken, wounded and raw
She has to figure out again how to make it on her own

the-girl-who-circumnavigated-the-world-in-a-dream-of-her-own-making-paul-bond

people care and have paid attention…

Living with such intensity

Putting myself out there for all the world to see

Roads paved with mock~able beta men

Passively addressing leaving me to remember when

How I craved the sternness and power under Your control

The subtle consensual exchange as we began to grow

A glance over my shoulder not a single moment of regret

Carefully selected by You made me never to forget

Just sitting there approached from everywhere I turn

My head fully aware that my heart stings from the burn

Dance with this one and from that one accept another drink

Don’t get so close stop touching me please I am on the brink

They all feel so wrong knowing what they are after

I am not for them this feels like a cruel joke but I’ve yet to hear the laughter

Days are fading into night plans we made coming up fast

Distracting myself from disbelief that we were not to last

My thoughts interrupted by an inquisitive friend wanting simply just to know

“where’s your man” the quiet words whispered from my lips “He let me go”

Not knowing what to say he shook his head with charm

followed with an “I’m so sorry” and a gentle caress upon my arm

We had become iconic Daddy and me in our tiny little town

People taking comfort seeing us around

“You always looked so happy” more soothing words they say

“I thought we were” is all I reply “but here we are today”

Stop dwelling my head tells my heart

How can we heal and move on while we remain torn apart

I’ll get there when I’m ready to stop bathing in the sorrow

I know there has to be a joyful and brighter tomorrow

Life keeps on turning with the kindness of others who mean well

Continued reminders of what once was now only time will tell

You always seemingly knew what was for the best

This time a standing ovation putting us to rest

Now the silent promise to Yourself keep a safe distance so not to stumble

Severed and all alone assuring us not to crumble

No one seems to understand the ache I bear within

Desperately wanting to lunge me forward to begin anew once again

As Daddy already declared that time is all that can fill

The broken-hearted emptiness but for now time is standing still

kitty…XO

He let me go…

 

You didn’t bring me coffee

Was the day you set me free

So easy just to quit

Never to commit 

The love I felt inside

Nowhere did reside

Within your heart somewhere

Left me in despair 

High measures I didn’t meet

Often You would repeat

A threat to my wounded flesh

Now everything’s a mess

Were you good to me

In wonder I begin to see

Beyond the tears and sorrow

There has to be a better tomorrow

Placed out on the street

In my box left to meet

my fate destined to end this way

No promises of another day

Whoreish nightmares abound 

Treacherous realities found

Your meanings I couldn’t hear 

With codes vaguely clear

Trickery so masterful controlled

Failure in your eyes once again to be told

You’ve left me feeling numb

With nothing more than a crumb 

A desire to succeed 

Was all I needed to proceed

Heart reject this pain

Flow of love to remain

Torment please be over

Peace hurry come cover

Bring comfort and rest 

Find safety in my best

My life though uncertain

Has drawn another curtain

Transparency to reveal

Warm my flesh so I may feel

Unfold my purpose and grand design

There has to be more than a simple choice to resign 

In the shadows of You

confused and untrue

Back to myself I did come

Standing at a loss now wanting to run

How long before this comes to an end

No more struggles left to mend

My sincerest honest show

Still you let me go…

MIP_6293

 

during the hardest times…

the dream is always the same

I awake calling your name

unspoken words things that were left unsaid

days are passing by every hour fills with dread

where was my lack of trust in knowing that you care

fear became my enemy expression I did not dare

now I am left holding my heart in my hand

uncertain of anything except for where we stand

alone in the darkness so quiet and empty

the deceiver so taunting comes around to hurt me

I write it out on paper my words seem so healing

as always before me you know how I’m feeling

take care of myself my body soul and mind

to thine own self be true honest loving and kind

this doesn’t make sense how we got to this place

so much to still share yet you are gone without a trace

when will the sadness stop that is deep within me

another day is unfolding yet I cannot clearly see

I always thought we were worth trying for

the love I have in my heart is for you the man I adore

I asked for a measure of time to clean up what remains

to put what’s been done to rest our foundation to sustain

leave nothing unfinished in an instant it could all be gone

then what is left but sorrow and regret for all that is still undone

the timing must not be right to go through this next part

until the peace washes over me I cannot speak my heart

for now I will keep walking through each and every day

it will come in perfect order just what we need to say

 

the human side of kitty…

caged heart

a warm body on a dark, lonely night

not caring who he is and that this doesn’t feel right

in the darkness I can’t see, I barely open my eyes

as a hand reaches out to touch me, this is my demise

how did I arrive here, to find myself in this place

just the other day I felt loved, now nothing but disgrace

these arms, they are not a comfort, his hands they feel all wrong

as they move across my body, clearly where they don’t belong

hurt and all alone, it’s my heart that’s crying out

the words they won’t come to my lips, yet give a silent shout

why wasn’t I all you ever needed, I ask the question again

dread and fear wash over, as he pushes himself within

tears begin to spill out, this is not the lady I want to be

with a final gasp he rolls over, suddenly I’m free

regret 2

filling the deep emptiness, I am sickened by who I have become

feeling ashamed and crushed by what I have just done

wanting him to leave, quickly get out the door

needing to be alone with my sadness and feel the pain once more

it happened in an instant, almost like a dream

I drifted through the air, then my body began to scream

in total revolt, his smell it washed away

begging The Lord for His forgiveness on this dark and dreary day

a moment of pure weakness, temptation sought me out

my suffering temporarily put to ease

now my mind is full of doubt

who is this hurting girl, acting out in this way

she feels betrayed and lost but that’s no excuse today

the hot water turns colder while thoughts still linger in her mind

run these feelings through she scolds, as the tape begins to rewind

she starts to punish herself, then makes a promise to the sky

never again will she lessen her self~worth 

but rather lift herself on high

her bed that once only knew, the smell and caress of Sir

now what has she done, nothing feels or seems sure

though her body is cleansed, her mind it runs deep

regret and remorse settle in while she slowly drifts off to sleep

as the sun awakens her from rest that is so rare

it occurs to this kitty, that what seemed so real

was indeed a whore~ish nightmare

bad dream