my heart please be changed…

So I wasn’t everything you ever wanted or solely who you needed, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t enough, nor worthy of all I deserved and needed.

self bondage

Somewhere along the way that was the message received. I pushed harder to fit inside the illusion of who you wanted me to be. I was continually met with resistance and couldn’t understand why. Story of my life darlin’; “if I only do more, be more, try more, I will succeed in performing right for you and then be accepted and loved”. All of which are contradictory to everything I have worked so hard to escape from these past 11 years. 

I am praying to be finished with dwelling in the pain and defeat. I ask God to lift these feelings of discouragement and remove them. I know who I am and I know Whose I am.. The systems of my life I have operated in, have been a small series of men all of whom I endured verbal abuse from. 

The way it has been is not the way it has to stay. God did not make me faulty and He will not participate in a path of self-destruction. He has nothing but grand intentions for me. When will I pay attention and be obedient solely to Him? It is time to stop allowing the enemy opportunities to create spiritual warfare on my soul. He is crafty, that one and works his evil ways on the insides of others, but my God is bigger!

Contentment is what I strive for today. Without it I will continually seek fulfillment from outside sources, ensuring the bondage of self.    

3rd step prayer

The Lord continues to reveal more brokenness of you my love, my former Sir, because that’s what I needed to have a better understanding to our finality. Wreckage that has wreaked havoc on someone should never be an excuse for bad behavior, only a reason. 

We are always appointed to be accountable and responsible for our actions. Coming to terms with that is how I escape blame and shame. Acceptance shows up, relieving pain and anger from their positions and being replaced by compassion and forgiveness on the other side.

I am not where I once was, but I am not yet where I am going. If I were, this would be the end of my journey and my final goodbye. No, I will rise up and shine once again, just like before.

My heart may be pierced, tear stains on my cheeks, new scars that will be there to remind me, but my value is intact. It can no more be lessened than it can be increased or determined by another. No one is that powerful.  

psalm 5 6-8

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