this is how i process, so deal with it…

heart-in-cage-Wallpaper

My heart has been buried alive

not once or twice but more than I care to admit

Back then I impetuously accused you for all things that went wrong 

As you watched me bleed because you would not commit

One after another my pattern unclear 

Is something offensively wrong with me

Yet I needed to draw you near

For a lifetime now I owned the words

accepted all the shame

Lies, deceit and opposition 

Pick your poison as it manifests it’s how we play the game 

 Which one is sicker in the end who stands tall

I stay to the death committed and strong 

Or perhaps it’s defeat as I begin to fall

A martyr once was the role I  wore best

Till one day victory won over 

Putting me to the test

How far can she bend till she breaks inside

Twisted like an old oak 

But more like a palm tree holding its pride

Brush it off this current layer of sludge 

Never mind what they’ve all told you

Only bitterness holds a grudge

Your spirit is within a bright and mighty soul

They never mean to harm and scathe

it’s just who they are 

It’s up to you to relinquish all the illusion of control

I am more than enough this lady worth having solely 

You will never convince me otherwise

Because I will always love you wholly 

I’m reminded who I am each time the sun sets low

A wonderful package full and complete 

A display of wonders to be lifted up never held below

A treasured one to behold, loved, honored and cherished

It’s not your fault you couldn’t see my value for all its worth

So hold your head low and watch as we parish 

It came to this as it typically does the inferno shoots the flame 

I have it all… heart, body, mind and soul

There is only you to blame 

Sleep well my little time bomb… 

Time-Bomb-Fuse-Ignite-Explosion-2 (1)

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what happens now…

the work in front of me is solely in my hand 

though exciting and difficult will take me where I need to stand

this layer has been peeled slow and savagely

excruciating at times uncovering secret portions of me 

embedded deep down waiting to arrive 

lost for so long just trying to survive

how did she compact herself that deeply in her soul

time to come out and embrace the life that she may finally know
breaking free of the shackles once timid and so shy
wanting to stretch her untamed wings so she can start to fly
what was it all about the heaviness on her heart
tangled up in her shame burdens that kept her in doubt
the subtle remarks became an everyday expression
how unimportant she seemed a lifetime of feeling less than
where had she gone her identity slipped away
only to be seen if she was pleasing you each and every day
the story of her life her earliest recollections age three
 if she had just done more she could know how to just be
consumed with all the memories that were haunting in her mind
it took loving you for them to at last become untied
wondering and struggling why this unsettling behavior
a deep yearning for direction and love from this man to be her earthly savior
for the first time in this life someone truly cared
has taken the time to seek beyond took a chance because he dared
sorting through her wounds the mask under which she would hide
with his patience he did find the broken little girl hidden deep inside
this man who has encompassed her as a blessing for a reason
 lifting her up to move forward and walk through this tough season
it was in losing her that she lost him of which she cannot deny
not the isolated events nor her willingness to try
the excavation is underway a complete overhaul it may take
every broken part of her she prays for The Lord to remake
the valleys still to walk through the mountains left to climb
a soul worthy of love a spirit to refine
the goal for this lady keep pressing on till she reaches the other side
encountering bumps and jagged rocks but oh what a fucking ride
surfin kitty

the unequally yoked kitty and her former Sir…

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A kitty’s self-worth has been on trial for some time now. The defendant found guilty of constantly proving her right to be in the presence of the one she loved. Persecuted and condemned for falling short. Then humiliated, shamed, rejected and disciplined for not doing better. The daunting tasks of living up to high, unobtainable expectations placed upon her were more clear from the drive behind them. Somehow the plaintiff’s own bad behavior was supposed to be condoned according to her former Sir.

Galatians 5:19

  • The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Perhaps in your mind it gave you permission to string this kitty along by keeping her guessing and wondering what was wrong with her. The lie is, she wasn’t everything you ever needed. The truth is, she was more than you ever deserved. Where was your trial, condemnation and judgement? I have the easy answer to these, they didn’t exist. I never had a judgement police uniform on that gave me the right to convict you of wrongdoings. Why? Because my offerings came with unconditional love. Now I ask, where is your salvation and redemption? Do you know who your Redeemer is? “So sad, poor thing”…

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

  •  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

All the gains from this treacherous world amount to nothing if you are not seeking the One that holds the treasures and blessings to an abundant and wholesome life of fulfillment. Because you subscribe to the manosphere’s insidious notions to “fuck as much pussy as possible”, your fate and destiny have been sealed for making a pact with the evil one.

1 John 2:15-17

  • Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

Aside from the fact that is the behavior and mentality of a 20 or even 30-year-old,  at your age doll, you pretty well created the recipe for alone~ness. You WILL end up being that man sitting at what once was our table at the Hong Kong, by yourself. You had every part of me from the beginning to the end. The problem was, you were too terrified of falling under the trap of oneitis and that trance kept you from the best thing that could have ever happened to you and for you. “So sad, poor thing”…

Galatians 5:22

  • But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

the good book

B (asic) I (nstructions) B (efore) L (eaving) E (arth)