a lost kitty…

sad kitty

Where did Kitty go? Maybe the better question is, when did Kitty disappear? It was a subtle transition as my former Sir introduced a D/s lifestyle sometime back. At the time that was the way it was presented to me, a lifestyle, but somewhere along the way, the former Sir decided that a 24/7 wasn’t what he desired after all and the rules changed. The new memo was not entered into the invisible book, instead it was rather an assumption I was to just know . So lets keep it to a scene only D/s relationship, but continue to divulge in the lifestyle at particular moments that were never quite clear. The former Sir commanded and demanded every ounce of respect he was deserving of and kitty willingly complied.

He still deemed me his kitty and expected my submissiveness around the clock, when it worked for him, but still I wanted it. Confusion eroded this kitty’s brain. When do I behave as an authentic sub? The clouded version of what this looked like to kitty was far different from Sir’s version. When kitty was too playful in public, Sir gave disapproving looks with the assurance of correction when we got home. Another memo lost or blatantly not sub-mitted in the rule book. What was happening?

As time went on, the expectations placed on kitty increased to a larger scale that she began to feel defeated. There was such uncertainty to Sir’s rules that left kitty sitting in wonder and self-doubt of her obedience and  her role anymore. Often she became paralyzed by thoughts of making a wrong decision for fear of looking badly in her former Sir’s eyes. The last thing kitty ever wanted was to let him down. So she carried on as if all was well, because the former Sir would falsely lead her to believe that as the truth.

The deception that was being created was becoming unbearable to this once purring kitty. She now was in a constant state of inner turmoil that caused her to second guess her once confident self. The surety of what was to be a protected safe interaction between two people who consciously chose to enter a lifestyle together, quickly became tainted by extracurricular activities by her former Sir.

Long before they found themselves in this existence, the former Sir casually mentioned it once and he was told that his kitty does not share her Sir. Her boundaries clearly spoken, yet Sir held tight to his conviction that nothing had changed from when he first stated this long before. Here is where it became a muddled mess, a technicality if you will. Knowing my feelings that I am never willing to be one of many, why would I knowingly stay along for this ride? Why would Sir keep me? He didn’t need me.

Because it was not spoken of again, kitty thought she was understood and had nothing to fear.  How could it be viewed any other way I pleaded. According to the former Sir, because it was stated once, it didn’t deserve the consideration to be revisited as they evolved in their relationship and he carried on. Unspoken words on both sides have led us to this place of destruction, pain and sorrow.

As this lost kitty reflects back and comes to this present day, she mentally follows the path that brought us to this place we are now stuck in, turmoil of finality. The result has been the demise of this once faithfully purring kitty and, what I had assumed, was a satisfied, respected Sir.

We prided ourselves for our ability to communicate about anything, but even that became a criticized event on the former Sir’s side. His constant claiming that he was not being heard or his concerns being considered was inaccurate from my side. It began to feel like I was dealing with a man whose past life continually taunts and tortures him and I was somehow responsible for cleaning up the wreckage created by those who came before me.

Now this kitty feels she has been led astray, broken, crushed and wounded. Was there malicious, self sabotaging intent on the former Sir’s part? I cannot definitively answer that, for it would be mere speculation, but it feels that way. The reasons that come up for me are  his own paralyzing fear to commit for fear of betrayal from the women in his past.

For this kitty to have entered into such a deep, intimate interaction between two people that is solely based on trust, I now feel very deceived and extremely used and abused. My former Sir broke the rules and the trust that must accompany the standards of this world we became a part of. Too often the rules were rewritten and his kitty never received a copy. She was left to guess, figure things out and when she couldn’t, there was unfair punishment administered. Usually in the form of her former Sir withholding himself from her as he, “made room for others” because I “wasn’t interested in stepping up”. To what, I never had defined concisely, only left feeling depleted of his love. That was highly torturous and demeaning to kitty.

In the end, kitty’s Sir stripped her the right to call him her Sir any longer, deeming her unworthy and she is to “earn that privilege back over time” when her former Sir lets her know. She continued to fall short in his eyes, so she tried harder to no avail. Eventually the light shined down on the truth, that her former Sir had in fact not committed to her in the way she had thought. Instead he eluded her for some time as she continued to feel excluded and doubted he ever intended to give her any part of him.

It is now clear that this once amazing Dominant had become Domineering. It was a gradual shift, but over the course of events had become apparent to kitty. Now she is left holding her heart in her hands as her tears continue to shed, wondering how she arrived at this place…

trust in the Lord

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have I ever used the word fuck so much…

broken heart

My heart has felt pain before. It has been torn and shredded to a state of which I imagined restoration wasn’t possible. I was proven wrong when I cried out to The Lord, “Please take this from me!” He didn’t allow the suffering to continue, but instead a new understanding arose in that, God never does anything TO me, but rather FOR me. Out of the ashes, beauty remains, always. I am certain this time, if a contest were held, I would take the biggest prize for the most beautifully erected creature that was birthed from such ashes.

The intensity that comes from a broken heart can feel unbearable. Self created illusions that dilute reality of what is, can be the largest form of self-destruction. When ill intent is placed upon one person in a relationship and was defined by that one, it leaves the other to sit and wonder in uncertainty and the damage is irreversible. Only by the miracle of His Holiness can the healing happen. 

What the fuck is this girl talking about? Do specifics even matter when a heartache is mentioned? It is a universal feeling where most breathing humans can nod in agreement without needing details of what encounters took place. I am not in the business of smearing my personal agony of defeat for public knowledge, but if I talk around it enough, you get the idea, my fucking heart is screaming out in pain!

Was He “interested in hurting me”? (God, I am sick of hearing that) He is quick to respond, “No.” My quicker response is, “Then stop!” Too late. Lying by omission, I am pretty damn sure in the eyes of The Lord, is still lying. Punishable? Condemnation? Convicted? Not likely, because God is in the business of forgiving. He knows the story from the end to the beginning, He is not surprised by any of this, so couldn’t You have clued me in sooner? God, You always have my heart and soul. Did I not listen to You? Miss the signs and subtle clues? Ignore my natural instincts? The correct answer to all is, YES! I put my trust in You Lord and have never been let down. I did however, give complete control over to flesh, giving him the power to destroy and he did. 

I have prayed repeatedly, I believe and declare, You sent this man to me, broken in the start and need of some repair. My promise I gave was, I would never give up on him. Devotion and honor, I stood on Your word as You held me high, assuring me I would not fall. Guess what? The ground underneath is rough and brittle with jagged rocks all around. It hurt when I fell, was dragged for miles and didn’t have enough presence of mind to let go long ago the way he did. I held on so tightly to what I thought was true. Dedicated, honest and loving You reminded me to be. Willingly obedient was what I became, now look where I stand, crumbled. I may be knocked down, but I am not down forever.

Where was the commitment I am deserving of? The love that was shown through actions fell short and is clearly nonexistent in my eyes now. Did I imagine all his glorious wondrous things that were delivered to me? Without a doubt, they occurred, but with an attachment of my own self creation only. Do I make clear that I want what I want? Absolutely and to my own detriment I have been told time and time again. I am first a child of God. I have royalty in my DNA and am entitled to be treated as such, with loving kindness and nothing short of that. So why the fuck would I settle for less?

I apologized to God in advance for using such profanity and proclaiming His name and promises together in this painful rant. He has already forgiven me and I praise Him for that.

Where in the hell is all of this going? I have no fucking idea, because at this point I feel directionless, lost and confused as fuck. Hurt and angry along with a whole gamut of feelings. The list goes on as does the rant. It is as relentless as the verbal attacks that have challenged my self value. Apparently my conscious choice of living in denial has served no other purpose but to do its one and only mission, to bite me in the ass yet again.

It has long been my experience that in order to walk away from something that I want more than anything in this world, I have to be this devastated and then angry before I can change the behavior. No shit! That is the equivalence to hitting the bottom of a rock hard surface where landing on my ass hurts less than the actual act of letting go of the rope.

In asking him the question a multitude of times, “Why did you keep me around so long???” I was met with what I would like to believe were honest and heartfelt, however generic responses. Can you elaborate on and define what “feelings” mean to you, because I am quite certain our interpretations are very different. Is it because the female rationale verses the male directive clouds this area every time? You know I loathe more than anything to be grouped as, “all girls think that way, behave and react that way”. No, I am a uniquely made lady that my Creator molded perfect in His image. I will say the same of you, if you ask me.

Did I just brake hard, turn right and flip a B in the middle here? Yes, I believe I did. Bear with me, it is exactly how my fucked up brain is operating right now. The system is on overload, while the heart and head have entered the battle zone awaiting for the war to end. The, what feels like a ten foot drop between the two, cannot ever agree what is best for me. They often leave me to my own devices to figure the muddled mess out. When that rarely works out to my advantage, I stop, drop and pray. This time, it is more like run, drag and scream. However it comes out, The Divine One hears my cries.

Is there a fucking end to this rant? I don’t know. Is there an end to this excruciating heartache? That is the question of the hour, as well as the past 24 and likely what may feel like an eternity. Praise God there is no time limit on how quickly or slowly I vomit this crap out of my brain until it is out. The ultimate goal is just that, to relieve myself of every ounce of the toxic thoughts swarming around inside telling me lie upon lie. “Get the fuck out” is what I shout, yet here they are. Planted by a cruel person from the past and dredged up by feelings of defeat from the present day.

I chose not to direct one ill word to or about the person from which this is all derived from. Out of absolute respect on the one hand, but on the other hand, because I too have a part in this. I am still examining what that is exactly and so far what I have come up with is, I was a willing participant. As much as I want to call bullshit on his part where he is justifying, that isn’t up to me. Does it affect me? More than words can say. I made an investment with my whole self, both feet, look heart, no hands style. Regret? Remorse? Revolt? Retaliate? Not who I am today.

I am guilty of love, tried and convicted, nothing more, nothing less. So fuck me for caring, needing and wanting you all to myself.

                   We are where we are, broken and undone

I loved You then and I love You still

I love you now and I always will…

appreciate

Surrender to it all…

obey.jpg

It’s funny where I find my inspiration to write. I don’t necessarily put everything into this particular blog, but eventually I imagine it will appear here.

I’ve been really thinking about this word, “obedience”  lately. Once upon a time this word eluded my vocabulary. I would have to peg that to the asshole step father I grew up despising. His meek attempts to control and rule the family were nowhere near being a leader, but rather a bully that was just short of beating us into submission.

So, as it turns out, I married the opposite, a BETA through and through! I figured I would be safe in this choice and would never be subjected to cruel, overt, male behavior ever again. What I didn’t know way back then, is how much I would loathe this behavior too.

The results were, I became an alpha/beta type female, disguised as a feminist with my insides screaming out, I want to be a feminine girl, that longs to be taken care of and adored! Won’t someone just let me?! Truth be told, after my divorce from an 18 year marriage 7 years ago, I wouldn’t allow any man close enough to give them the opportunity. Fear was the driving force, invisible was my stance. Sure, I dated a petite handful of…’men’, only to find again and again, one extreme or the other. YUK~

One day this handsome man crossed my path, me being me, skeptical and playing the invisible card still, chose not to notice the attention he was blatantly pouring over me. Over the next several months, this man continued to show up in my life. I wasn’t being a bitch by any means, in fact, that is just not in my nature. I simply was scared. With this “broken picker” I had deemed myself to possess, I made feeble attempts to ward him off, keep him at arm’s length all the while I was becoming attracted to him and his charm.

Less than 3 months had gone by and I found myself asking him to coffee and then saying yes to dinner. We became fast friends, another foreign concept to me that I would find out later, is ALWAYS a pretense to the man just wanting to get laid. No one could ever consider me a prude by any means, but at this time in my life, I had come to the realization that my old ways to “get a guy” was to immediately screw him and there I went, lost forever. Pathetic!

After a year of back and forth in our dating cycle, we both realized how close we truly were becoming. It was refreshing yet at the same time, scaring the hell out of me. I think it was having the same effect on him as he was still attempting to escape the wrath of his past hamster, forever shit testing, long-term bitch companion that continued to have power over him. It was painful to watch, but one day, he choked and swallowed the little red pill, and his manhood has never been the same.

That was nearly a year ago and since that time, he had led me down the same path as a true alpha does. I willingly swallowed the little red pill, in fact I have a lifetime prescription!  It was exactly what I had been starving for since I was a little girl. I had watched with a distorted view, my grandma and mom muddle through their lives confused by who had the penis in the house and then wondered why they were frustrated when they tried to make most of the decisions. Hmmmm….

So back to the word at hand, “obedience”…’the act or practice of following instructions, complying with rules or regulations, or submitting to somebody’s authority’. Who knew that once I embraced not only the word, but the act itself, my life would begin to make sense. I’ll tell you who knew, God. Clearly He sent the Captain of my life to me to straighten up my thinking and show me what respecting the Captain births for his F.O.

Captain has taught me so much through his actions from his reborn Alpha male ways. His stance is tall and proud while his frame never falters. In fact, he is so stern with me, I wouldn’t dare be anything short of submissive and obedient. I welcome his reprimanding, whatever form he sees fit.

When the Captain speaks…listen and learn!

A capable, smart, can do lady, always has room for improvement and accepts every moment as teachable. Today I allowed old messages to take over my current, present moment of actually living in my otherwise pretty serene life. The results, cowering down and ignoring my own responsibilities that the Captain clearly does not want to handle fully, nor should he. There’s input and assisting to a level of comfort on his part and then there is resentment building with a thought bubble hanging overhead stating, “what the fuck am I doing this for her when she needs to do it for herself”.

As I reflect back over this tiresome day, I realize with disgust that deep down, unbeknownst to me, maybe this was a form of a shit test. Yes, I said a form. I firmly believe that the starving little girl, who resides deep down inside of me, still awakens to stir things up looking for that needed attention. Some of the less fortunate sufferers out there haven’t a clue of which I speak, so I would be happy to enlighten you by sharing now and then on the topic of “inner child”. They exist in all of us and if not properly cared for back in childhood days, the childlike behavior emerges at the most inopportune moments. That is what happened to me today.

I felt it coming, the gradual build up over the last few weeks. Then it hit me, hard. Repressed, old shitty feelings of inadequacy. Ha, lies all lies, but man did they feel real! Thank the Lord that the Captain has awareness of inner child crap and is a willing participant who understands, listens, then disciplines and redirects me.

After a brief, but deep conversation of expectations and control crap, we both came away feeling heard and calm. The power of communication, validating that I too have a welcomed voice is so refreshing. I gave him the absolute respect he fully deserves, while in return he gave me adoration for my abilities to be a better lady in his eyes as well as my own. After all, in the end what the hell else really matters? Well, the way he grabbed me and kissed me hard then pushed me away was a great indicator that we really are okay as long as we bring it to the table every time.

I am living in a blue pill world and I am a red pill girl…

So, the Captain is out of town for a few days and the hamster jumps on the wheel. Contradiction in terms, perhaps, but aware of the spin cycle is half the battle. That is not to say that I don’t have my own life to tend to, but anymore when the CEO is away, the kitty does not like to play. He would not want to know about a red pill girl night either and I wouldn’t inform him of that, unless he asked of course. My old behavior would have taken advantage of this as a shit test opportunity. YUK! I am much more content in honesty and being a good girl, F.O.

That was the heart of the conversation last night as I was out with a novice red pill girl. Her eyes were like saucers as she listened to me decipher her latest behavior as just that, shit tests! She was clueless, but owned it. Proud moment for me to see it for what it is. Easy when it’s visible in another.

Now inquiring minds want to know, “what is this pill thing and what’s with the colors”. Do I reveal to just anyone asking, certainly not. Captain has already told me, one recruit at a time. He is right, as always. I can only give websites and information as not all potential RPG are receptive to the idea/concept/way of life!

As I discovered myself changing a year ago, I had yet to learn about the little red pill. In fact, the Captain introduced me and without realizing, I had already been making the transformations in my own thinking as well as behavior. What a beautiful life and path I have been following ever since.