if loving is a crime, then convict me…

Forever in awe of a rainbow painted in the sky
Hope is what I’m after, longing to be free
Wishing on three white horses grazing in the grass
That love is out there waiting, someday it will find me

It does exist, I see it all around
In my child like ways loving with my whole heart
Unconditional and true, faithful and pure
Never understanding another who can tear it all apart

To play laugh and sing from the highest mountain top
Wondering how it would feel to be happy joyous and free
Just to be held when things are frightening
Yet always know it is safe just to be

Look into these innocent eyes tell me I am safe
Words are just that, hastily spoken destined to deceive
Why then this heart, so trusting and wide open
Despite of it all, it is desperate to believe

The chasing of his love just to feel worthy
Memories of anguish go as far back as seven
Daddy don’t leave me the pattern soon began
Fifteen years later mom would go to heaven

These insides weren’t just shredded but now have become empty
Depleted of love alone to figure it out and take that solo stand
Caring so deeply only meant you too would leave
So I grasp a bit tighter as it sifts through my hand

A heart forever on the mend
That same little girl in school
Playing follow the leader, led by whomever knew the way
Ending up lost again feeling like the fool

How broken I must be to accept the crumbs you offer
Deprivation reigns over while self worth is tattered
Why do I continue to hope and dream
My spirit once more is shattered

Messaged delivered, this time driven home hard
Everything is gone, I cringe in dismay
The power exchanged was destroyed in a flash
With one final shove you pushed me away

My rough edges have been softened
This girl somehow prevails though scared and all alone
Scarred and broken, wounded and raw
She has to figure out again how to make it on her own

He let me go…

You didn’t bring me coffee Was the day you set me free So easy just to quit Never to commit  The love I felt inside Nowhere did reside Within your heart somewhere Left me in despair  High measures I didn’t meet Often You would repeat A threat to my wounded flesh Now everything’s a mess Were you good to me In wonder I begin to see Beyond the tears and sorrow There has to be a better tomorrow Placed out on the street In my box left to meet my fate destined to end this way No promises of another day Whoreish nightmares abound  Treacherous realities found Your meanings I couldn’t hear  With codes vaguely clear Trickery so masterful controlled Failure in your eyes once again to be told You’ve left me feeling numb With nothing more than a crumb  A desire to succeed  Was all I needed to proceed Heart reject this pain Flow of love to remain Torment please be over Peace hurry come cover Bring comfort and rest  Find safety in my best My life though uncertain Has drawn another curtain Transparency to reveal Warm my flesh so I may feel Unfold my purpose and grand design There has to be more than a simple choice to resign  In the shadows of You confused and untrue Back to myself I did come Standing at a loss now wanting to run How long before this comes to an end No more struggles left to mend My sincerest honest show Still you let me go…

my heart please be changed…

So I wasn’t everything you ever wanted or solely who you needed, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t enough, nor worthy of all I deserved and needed.

Somewhere along the way that was the message received. I pushed harder to fit inside the illusion of who you wanted me to be. I was continually met with resistance and couldn’t understand why. Story of my life darlin’; “if I only do more, be more, try more, I will succeed in performing right for you and then be accepted and loved”. All of which are contradictory to everything I have worked so hard to escape from these past 11 years. 

I am praying to be finished with dwelling in the pain and defeat. I ask God to lift these feelings of discouragement and remove them. I know who I am and I know Whose I am.. The systems of my life I have operated in, have been a small series of men all of whom I endured verbal abuse from. 

The way it has been is not the way it has to stay. God did not make me faulty and He will not participate in a path of self-destruction. He has nothing but grand intentions for me. When will I pay attention and be obedient solely to Him? It is time to stop allowing the enemy opportunities to create spiritual warfare on my soul. He is crafty, that one and works his evil ways on the insides of others, but my God is bigger!

Contentment is what I strive for today. Without it I will continually seek fulfillment from outside sources, ensuring the bondage of self.    

The Lord continues to reveal more brokenness of you my love, my former Sir, because that’s what I needed to have a better understanding to our finality. Wreckage that has wreaked havoc on someone should never be an excuse for bad behavior, only a reason. 

We are always appointed to be accountable and responsible for our actions. Coming to terms with that is how I escape blame and shame. Acceptance shows up, relieving pain and anger from their positions and being replaced by compassion and forgiveness on the other side.

I am not where I once was, but I am not yet where I am going. If I were, this would be the end of my journey and my final goodbye. No, I will rise up and shine once again, just like before.

My heart may be pierced, tear stains on my cheeks, new scars that will be there to remind me, but my value is intact. It can no more be lessened than it can be increased or determined by another. No one is that powerful.  

Again and a fucking~gin…

my heart fucked up again

when will it ever end

my head said, “hey dummy, you’ve traveled this path

did you learn nothing from suffering His wrath”

how goddamn many swats will it take

do you really want to break

respect  is such a significant gift

one you give graciously with every lift

so why can’t you get it through your stupid girl head

are you trying to dissolve what means everything until it is dead

lord please help me do better my heart is crying out

Your child is strug-gul-ling as she begins to scream and shout

what happened was monumental in my Sir’s eyes

I cannot hide through any disguise

run from the sadness sitting still is trial

my words He cannot hear and are only vile

pain from my wrong unbearably difficult hold

if Sir would only forgive me but my asking is much too bold

reaching out to Him in the midst of His anger

is not in my best interest and puts our relationship in danger

Sir whom I trust completely to be who You are

please find me in Your heart and not push away so far

Your kitten is so sorry if You would only believe

it is my honor to serve and please these blessings You shall receive

my respect runs deeply through in everything I do

how beautiful my life complimented by You

I cherish and adore You all my days that You touch

Sir without Your presence I am missing you so very much

Your hands grazing my body lips upon my skin

how I long to feel You Sir deep within

taking everything while holding me so tight

over and over again long into the night

meanwhile I patiently wait attempting to just be

the one thing You always ask of me…