self abandonment…

Did i even know this concept existed? Not until one day it was pointed out as my current state of abuse. Question… Why did i constantly feel so neglected, left out, left behind and forgotten? Answer… for self awareness sake, because i allowed it.

i had grown up more than feeling this enormous amount of depletion from others, but hadn’t a clue why until my behaviors reflected the broken, walking-wounded soul within. The scars keep reminding me of the battles i have faced while the wounds resurface with every lasting trace, but i need… someone

As a child i had no control over my own circumstances, nor did i add to the fault by simply being that good little girl, quiet and invisible. What did abandonment look like or worse, feel like? For me it looked like a scared, pathetic little person chasing after love, but never catching up to it. To not feel like i had any sense of belonging or inclusion of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, devastation, solitude, isolation and shame, but i need… someone

How does this coincide with ditching myself? It goes hand in empty hand. i was taught to not call attention to my needs, no matter how loud my heart was screaming out. Ignore the emotional inner rampage building up inside and i can get through another agonizing day and lonely night. This is what all youngsters must go through and feel like, right? It must be, but i need… someone

Sure i’ll marry you and have three wonderful sons. At least then the pain of lonliness and abandonment will subside and i will finally have a purpose for my existence. Be the best mom and shower them with all the attention i never received or was worthy of. They deserve it, afterall, they need… me

Why am i angry all the time? i began to wonder, but couldn’t stop the rage. He is gone more than he is home. Drunk again. Leaving me alone. i recognize this. i know what to do, chase him. Prove to him i am worthy of his glory, his time, his presence, his love. Ah screw it, he is a lost cause. Focus on those three amazing sons. i won’t have to chase them down. Besides, they won’t run very far, they need… me

Alone, lost and frightened once again. What do i do? What should i do? Am i better off to accept what comes my way and swallow it whole to avoid the dreary pains of being left? This anger won’t leave me alone, that i can depend on. Enough was enough i decided one final day. It was within the midst of some toxic time with my confidant, that i gained the courage and strength to tell that man to leave. Sooo, it took an additional ten years of abuse and neglect, infidelity and lies, but i took the plunge. For the first time i realized, i need… me

i was immensely discontent and abandoned by all those who claimed to love me that it became normal to me. i learned from the best teachers how to pretend to live without my basic needs met. Oh i knew what i was missing because there was no greater hurt than to be by myself and wonder if anyone would ever truly love me just for me. One day i found a special place, a gathering of humans, other walking woundeds who graciously accepted me and all my brokenness, battle scars and all. They taught me self love, gave me a sense of self worth and offered me hope beyond my wildest imagination. They introduced me to a loving God who patiently waited at my heart’s door for me to open it and let Him in. Could it be? Is it possible that He needs… me? Because i came to believe, that i need… Him

Inline image 1

Confounded once more, did i do it to myself yet again? Unlearned lessons are destined to repeat themselves. Could this be why i feel like i’m on that familiar life raft, a lost little soul floating aimlessly at sea? i write these jumbled up thoughts to sort my wrong thinking out and to remember;

Evil thoughts always come back and will haunt me for life, “stop leaving me alone!” So i am beginning to manage them rather than the other way around. i am strengthened in You and i can do anything through You. i need… You 

i am worthy of love, honest, warm and true. i deserve time, attention and affection, not just for a moment or two, given to me freely not because i ask but simply because i am sacred not some fruitless task

i know in my heart that i sincerely need you, but i am learning that i need me too…    

 

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Mortality, Humanness, Spirituality, Love…

Ray October 2015

This man was 81 years old when he entered my life four years ago. Not because  he asked for my help, but because someone told him he could no longer take care of himself. From that point on, all life’s decisions would be made for him.

I watch the cruelty of your condition rob you of your memory and in your ability to be present for your life. In the beginning it didn’t seem to bother you, to have a constant parade of young ladies come and go. throughout your days. I suppose it would be most men’s dream, but not likely given these circumstances. 

Mostly your days have been filled with laughter, song, dance and stories from long ago. Every meal prepared and served before you. All the domestic chores and shopping handled while you carry on thriving daily in familiar surroundings. You keep us on our toes, learning to not turn our back in case the over-exuberant you surfaces to be extra playful in the moment. Your vulgarity makes us giggle, advance attempts are harmless we’ve learned and in your nature, while your gentility warms our hearts. 

It saddens me more now, your inability to be concise in communicating your ailments which ultimately have become your demise. It took the logical thinker to tell this emotional girl the right thing to do was to take you back to the hospital. This is your third time there now and they tell us it will be your last. The option to take you home to provide you with comfort care through the end of your life is going to be the final big choice made for you in the morning. 

I left you there in capable hands for one more night. As I drove out to make sure your cat was fed and your property ready to receive your return where it will keep you for your final days, the personal sadness washed over me. I’ve learned through sudden tragedy what devastation can bring and also the fragility and value of life, but to be an assistant to God’s divine plan is uncomfortable  in the very least. 

Decisions on your behalf to be made next as we walked through the glass doors to the world outside. So much traffic busting at the seams as the hustle and bustle of last minute shoppers congest every road and I am desperate to make my escape. 

At last I pulled over along the roadside of a massive hill overlooking our pretty little town. There I sat writing these words and watching the sun go down on this day. Its starting to turn colder as the storm begins to move in. I picture you lying in that hospital room, highly sedated, feeling no pain and now sleeping so soundly. I couldn’t help but think how alone you truly are and have been for so long. We have become your family, the only faces you have known, to love and to trust in these last year’s of your earthly walk. My thoughts, they turned to my own life as they often do during times like these, but somehow things feel different for me. Not sorrow for what lies ahead for you my dear friend, but sadness perhaps from the void that erupts when I go inside my head. 

My heart has softened so over the years as clients come and clients go, but none have been quite as entrenched and made such an imprint as this man has. Maybe because I too can relate to that orphan type mindset. Though he presently can’t comprehend the difference of his current state of being, his heart it does understand. 

I feel blessed having the honor to be an intricate piece and make even the smallest differences in your life. Tonight I asked God to please reveal to me the lesson and message He is showing me through this experience. Because all I feel as I look to the valley below, is alone, empty and blue. I never thought I’d be one of the many who can’t feel the merriment and joy that this holiday season typically brings. The cause is more than this immediate situation. Feelings stirred up from the residue left over

by the past and the fear that is induced through uncertainty.

The prayer is redundant, but God is unfailing, “Lord please fill me full with Your love and lead me down the path You have chosen especially for me. You’ve walked beside me over the mountains and pulled me up from the valleys below. Through You I am strengthened without I am weak. Remind me who I am in You, fearfully and wonderfully made. Amen”

Tomorrow we bring you back to the place you call home. Where you will live out the rest of your days until you lay down for your final rest to be with The Lord. I pray for your transformation of new comfort, exclusion of pain and wholeness you will one day know again.

Good night and God bless You always…

attitude of gratitude…

If I accomplish but one thing in life and that is that I was able to show, give and receive the love in my heart, then my purpose has been filled. Maybe that is 3 things, but they all go hand in hand.

When I began this blog, it was at the encouragement and urging of my then, “Captain” of my life. I had no idea what I wanted to do or make this look like. As I peruse back over my posts, I see the changes and growth in this relationship, but mostly in me. It has not been smooth sailing, but like Grampa always told and showed me, anything worth having is worth working for.

I have never been one to sit still very long or camp out and stay with one mainstreamed theme as I have proven within my writings. I write for me and if something appeals to another soul, all the more encouraging for part of my purpose. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Never have I thought in terms of being like the proverbial iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a piece of what exists within this girl. I have been reminded often of not being direct and in need of a translator for my thoughts. I understand my heart pretty well, but conveying what is on it to another can present a challenge at times. As I write these words I again display a classic rendition of which I speak. Jumbled deliverances bouncing around seeking clarity, yet leaving the reader to decipher just what in the world this girl is saying.

I very rarely get sick, but yesterday I suffered a bout of something foreign within that forced me to be as still as possible. By late evening it seemed to be dissipating. However, after behaving in a wretched manner, I began to dislike my own company. I cracked open a book that I have intended on reading for some time now. As I began to devour this powerful read, revelations of myself were seeping in, strengthening me to my core. I shared snippets of my findings just to have them fall on deaf ears or so it seemed. Offended and hurt, I became relentless with my continued behavior, further rendering myself a nuisance.

Upon  awakening this morning, not only was the bug that strapped me down gone, my attitude was brighter. I forgave myself for acting poorly and chalked it up to feeling my aloneness and in need of soothing comfort during an uncomfortable time. No longer do I want to be at the mercy of someone else’s approval. 

The realization of where my focus has been and the ways in which it is illusive can misdirect me, but are becoming more apparent. There are so many things, including people, that desire my attention. It is evident that life does give me what I attract with my thoughts. Believing then that I will bring close to me what my energy displays. The verdict is in, everyone along my journey truly is a teacher in my life. I firmly embrace that.

Recently a friend took some pictures of me just for fun and posted one on social media. I in turn used one for my profile picture and the response, though not the intention or motive, was astounding. A simple drama free act, lead to more than I could have imagined. Typically I am not welcoming of such attention, but the outpour I received was somehow what I was in need of without knowing it. This particular site isn’t a place I frequently choose to visit, but suddenly I was being filled up in ways I hadn’t connected that were deficient. Shortly after what was innocent fun in the moment, God was sending messages through His vessels with His Divine appointments. Private messages were coming in with words of support and encouragement, reminding me how much my existence does matter to this world. Somehow I had lost track of that.

Evolving is a slow process of changing over a period of time. During these changes I have been experiencing some severe growing pains as I weather some treacherous storms, but landing on my feet is what this kitty has always managed to do. There have been times of celebration for triumphs and successes that hold my attention more. Press on big girl, there is more of life to experience, more love to give, show and receive…

 

living intentionally…

rejoice…

I am a design made of multiple complexities, minor flaws and major attributes. I don’t come with an instruction manual nor do I possess a large quantity of malfunctioning parts, but I can tell you this; 

life-on-purpose-thin-black-border

revel…

I am lovable beyond belief, irreplaceable to the point of regret, strong in matters of the heart, more loyal than the puppy next door with patience near that of a kitty waiting outside a mouse’s little house, have integrity as the day is long and contain an abundance of love that is never-ending.  

regret…

If suddenly I were a flame that flickered out, destined to become the faint memory that once graced your life, would you gasp in disbelief that my breath is no longer yours to take in, that what is has become what was and everything you ever knew and thought to be has irreversibly changed in an instant for eternity.

remorse…

Panic stricken and riddled with fear, desperately wanting the hands of time to turn back. You clutch for one more chance, a solitary moment, even if only for a second to say those unspoken words, to undo what has been done, to hold tighter to what could have been, to value what always was, to at last understand the meaning of a precious commodity, to create moments that leave memories etched upon your heart over completion of mundane tasks, to have taken the time to discover all the possibilities of what could have been, to know what it feels like to have your spirit remade, to indulge in pure joy and contentment, to receive new mercy with every new-born day, to know what it means to be filled with love, but instead you are now left with how it truly is.

reality…

time stands still as Your heart beats slow

hitting Your knees head sinks low

 guilt rages within eyes overflow 

looking up to the sky sorrow begins to grow

 pain so intense next time You will know…

my life, my world, my choice, my love, my happiness…

there are many layers to this little girl

depths upon depths to her caring soul

capacities to reach, a purpose to fill

all in all sharing love is her ultimate goal

If it’s on my heart, it is going to find its way to my head, pass through a filter and exit through my soft-spoken lips in the form of gentle words. My truth, my fears, my feelings, my soul, raw, naked and revealed.

I ran into a dear old friend today. Our paths haven’t crossed in months. Albeit, I take full responsibility for this as my life has been evolving and taking on new directions, but it was abundantly clear (pointed out to me) that my lack of presence has been acutely noticed and severely missed. “Where have you been?!” were the first exclamatory words tossed my way. A smile emerging from the turned up corners of my mouth. “Oh, you know how life can be, always in session. (giggling to myself at the meaning of that word) It can be incredibly busy as it heads off down several avenues, sparkling with a new adventure around each corner “. An evil yet warm grin came back to me, “Yes well, you are not allowed to just disappear on me. I need you!”  (((hugs))) We are suchgirls2!

A divine appointment? Indeed. We began to bring each other up to speed on what has transpired in her life and the transitions occurring in my own. In the brief period of time we had, we managed to cover a lot of territory and still had air left in our lungs. A bite to eat, shopping and girl talk was exactly what the Good Lord ordered.  As we walked along the sidewalk, another gal pal of ours crossed our paths. It was as if the universe had laid a golden path of estrogen to replenish us and tie our souls together once again.  I simply looked up, smiled with grace, peace and love in my heart while giving praise to the One Who planned this.

It is abundantly clear in these times that my spiritual plane is defined and directed. A greater understanding of what my purpose is. My course is set and I am on track. I am His little girl beautifully and wonderfully made. My Daddy Sir creating me as His own while His lady continues to blossom and unfold before His very eyes.

I am needed, I am missed

I am loved, I do matter, I do exist

I need not fear

for I am loved the message is clear   

My heart overflowing  with love I never knew I could spare

but rather mass-produced with plenty to share…  

the spirit is within me…

spirit

If I’ve touched your soul in some small way, I’ve served a purpose

If I’ve remained a part of your life, I’m fulfilling my destiny

If I’ve listened to your pain, I’ve held your weary heart

If I’ve changed your thinking even a little, I’ve carried the message

If I’ve lightened a struggle, I’ve eased your burden

If I’ve made you smile for an instant, I’ve spread some joy

If I’ve held your tears as they fell, I’ve given some comfort

If I’ve not tried to change you, I’ve shown acceptance

If I’ve shared with you a triumph, I’ve given you hope 

unconditional-love
If I’ve done all these things, I’ve shared my heart
overflowing with love that will never part
because you matter to me
it is unconditional and always free…

part 2, continuance of possibilities…

…dawn was streaming in my window

out my window

I felt like I hadn’t even slept as I hit rewind on the hours that just passed. My mind was trying to start the rationalizing and debates of what direction might this be headed while my heart said hush, just enjoy the time. A good morning text chimed in to interrupt my trail of thinking. “Had a great time, was just thinking of you. Off to breakfast with my daughter now.” (heart~1, head~0)

By that afternoon my body begged me to rest. I decided a nap would replenish me. It was early evening when I unexpectedly,  heard from him again. “Just woke from a much-needed nap. What are you up to?” I revealed to him I had as well. We LOL’d one another and made a plan for dinner. “My place?”, he asked. My mind was reeling. The answer was of course yes. Vegetarian pizza and some old episodes of Frasier was on the menu. A perfect night in the making.

Not knowing what to think or rather trying not to think too much, an hour later, I arrived at his place. Both of us a little nervous at first, within the next hour we were eating and sharing memories of silly things. I can’t necessarily remember the content of it, but does it matter? The night soon turned to dark and we were both dozing on his oversized, sectional couch. Here we go again, it was after midnight and neither of us wanting the night to end.

“Let’s go to bed.” A phrase I commonly heard at this point in my few relationships of the past. That was what “normal” was to me. Why should this time be any different? However, I was about to find out, it was. My jeans trickled off by my own hands, while my panties remained on. He offered me a t-shirt of his, which I graciously accepted. I felt my chest pounding wondering and assuming what was coming next.

Into his oversized cal~king bed we climbed. We met in the middle, clothes intact, an arm wrapped around me, a second warm, soft kiss and a whisper, “good night.” I laid there awhile in awe of this man. So gentle and kind, am I dreaming? I told myself, this is not how this goes, is it? The battle began, I tallied it up, (heart~1, head~1) as I drifted off to sleep.

There we were, awoken my the daylight we were not ready to greet. To my amazement, our clothes were still on, as his arm found me again. “Mornin’ ” were the only words he uttered. A groan escaped my lips, “mmm hmm.” Back at it, right on cue, the challenge of my body’s nemesis was on. They were merely quiet long enough for me to sleep. (oh just shut up, my inner voice told the both of them)

At this time of my life, I had come to believe in God, but had not yet been saved. This man had been six years ago and was a faithful member to a church as well as the recovery rooms. Up until that day, I had never been involved with anyone on such a spiritual plane. He asked me early on if I was ever interested in attending a church. His back door way of inviting me. To my discomfort, I quietly declined, not knowing that had a deep effect on him. Frankly, I am certain he hadn’t realized it yet either.

After our first night, there were many more of the same. Soon we were up to three or four nights a week where I found myself pretzeled up with his body. As we explored without crossing over to a place I felt ready for, he held strong to his beliefs. At last a conversation came. This was a man who stood by his convictions about sex. He went on to share how in his life, sex hadn’t been sacred to him, but when he accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior, he changed his ways. His restraint was impressive to me and I wanted to know more of how he arrived there.

In getting to know him better, he divulged that he and his brother were raised by his single mom. His earthly father lived in the city, specifically in the Haight/Ashbury district back in the day. Living a life of multiple addictions. A man with no scruples in his son’s eyes, had fathered multiple children.

Devastated by this, his mom also turned to substance abuse, but by God’s mercy and grace, she found sobriety. He went on the explain how different his role became within this family of three. I learned from this man, that a son’s relationship with his mom becomes that of a protector in the absence of a father.

I was beginning to see that as truth in my own three sons. Another attractive quality of his was the utmost respect for how my sons viewed our blossoming relationship and the effects on us four. He once encouraged me to ask my youngest son, who was really the only one remaining at home, how he felt about my being gone and where I was. To my surprise, his reply was, “I just want you to be happy mom”. ((sigh and a tear or many))

Our time together remained the same yet growing with intensity while loving and tender, gentle and kind. There were hours of laughter, sharing and caring, fellowshipping and support. He quickly came to learn of my, back then, new choices of eating habits. This man was a model of fitness, playing on a men’s softball team for six years already and working out at the local MMA where he had his first competition during our time together. He was dedicated to his body; physically, mentally and spiritually. All the things I was striving for as well, a somewhat balanced triangle.

A memory sparked my heart the other day, reminding me that I am such a girl and love every bit of being one. We stood in line at the grocery store one evening, purchasing an array of healthy treats and dinner fixin’s, when I looked up to find his back to the cashier, he was just staring at me. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks as barely a sound left my lips, “what?” A grin formed on his as he leaned over to whisper in my ear, “You are so beautiful.” With a brush of a kiss upon my warm, red cheeks. I let out a sigh, still in wonder what was happening then a quick check on the scoreboard. (heart~2, head~1)

We were seemingly a good fit. Compatible, spiritually connected to a degree, both working on the broken parts of the partitions of our hearts, enjoyed each other’s company, respected the others boundaries, difficult at times lying so close on those special nights, practicing new behavior, and oh yes, fun! So what happened?

Over the somewhat brief period of time we had together, he came to the conclusion that in fact, my lack of Christianity, or at least being a strong believer, was creating a hindrance in our growing together. There was no blame involved on one or the other, but something was lacking now. This would be my first introduction to partners who are unevenly yoked. Only that time it was I who lacked the faith needed for strengthening on my end. Final tally time (heart~2, head~2)…

head and heart

It was a graceful parting of ways although not what either of us really wanted, yet it felt necessary at the time. Likely more for him, story of my life, but I carried on. As most endings, time was needed to heal the emptiness that now existed and when it did, we were able to salvage our friendship. Though we didn’t spend time together anymore, our paths continued to cross in the hallway once again. He no longer warmed a seat in my room, but remained faithful in his own.

Then one day we saw each other in a new light. Both of us had moved on. I was at the beginning of something that was new to me, unsure of what was happening really so I felt fine about conversing with him. He had attempted to rekindle his prior relationship. Just as before, he realized she was still not the girl for him.

I had gone to a concert at a local vineyard one night with a girlfriend and had received two texts from these two men, each asking for some time later that evening. Choices! Oh my, what a predicament. My friend was in both disbelief and awe of it all.  Excitedly she asked me, “what are you going to do?!” “I am going to dinner with you first and then I will ask God what to do!” She giggled, “I wish I had this problem!” This was a first for me. A little unsettling, but at the same time, power retrieval for all those old times I had endured in my life. These two men, unbeknownst to them were a deep part of my healing that night.

power

As promised, I asked God for His guidance and when I felt the peace wash over me, I knew. I made a choice to see if a reconnection was there. It was as if no time had passed, though plenty had. I was not the same girl I had been the last time we spent time together. Though his house was different, the routine we had established was the same. Immediately upon arriving on his front porch, I felt comfortable. After about an hour of catching up, to my surprise, he revealed that he was moving six hours away. Is this why the Lord had guided me here? To go back and leave again under new circumstances?

Once more I found myself in his t-shirt, my panties and his big comfy bed with all the cozy pillows and those arms that held me so safely. As we drifted off to sleep, it was clear to me that this was our final goodbye. I had no regrets or even sadness around this, I was in complete acceptance that we were exactly where we belonged.

It was summertime and he was moving ocean side where he had gone for his annual softball tournament for the last seven years by that time. I was genuinely happy for him. That Christmas he tried to coordinate time with my schedule for me to come visit for four days, but no matter how hard we tried to move things around, there was no solution. We decided to quit forcing it, then came to understand when and if the time is right, it will work out smoothly and easily. That was a few Christmases ago and now we only check in with each other once in a blue moon, or in our case during a full moon.

There were multiple lessons and growth that flourished from that relationship. He was indeed a special friend and teacher that crossed my path on this wonderful journey called life. I took every opportunity to tell him how special he was and still is to me. The amazing thing to me is, he voices the same blessings back because that is the man he has become.

How grateful I am to have found the Lord and continue to seek in Him as my number one relationship in my life for without Him, I am nothing. He is the One who has softened my heart and smoothed my edges. Through Him I have learned tolerance and contentment. He has taught me about forgiveness and love and that at the end of His day they are all that should ever matter.

love and forgive

 

 

 

possibilities…

peace

As I walked in the side door, he stood there at the drinking fountain. There was a long pause as he looked up at me, water still pouring out, a smile emerged from his face, “You always look so peaceful”, were the kind, gentle words he uttered. “I do?” Slowly I made my way down the cold and quiet, yet serene hallway. The grin never left his lips. “Thank you”, I said and found I could not stop smiling back.

I had seen this man for some time now in the building, but never really had a conversation with him outside the rooms. Still hanging my lace teddy on his compliment, I walked through the door to my room that held the source where I found that peace and comfort he spoke of.
As I settled in, the door opened and closed, one by one the chairs began to fill up. I had my back to the empty one next to me for a moment and suddenly I heard a familiar voice ask if this seat was taken. “Only by…” I stopped mid sentence, I didn’t finish my thought and he sat down. The meeting was starting and my mind was racing. Did he belong in here? Anyone is welcome to qualify themselves to attend, but still I wondered. Is he another meeting hopper here to pick up on someone? God, not him too.
Sitting there, listening to the preamble begin, first the welcome, then the steps, traditions and obstacles, followed by announcements, introductions and seventh tradition. Now I know his name and he knows mine. My mind drifted back to a few years before where a similar situation occurred, minus the drinking fountain encounter and the tender moment, something was familiar just with a different actor this time.
Back then the scene was me alone, already in the room,  wondering if I was the only one showing up that night.  When suddenly a man my age entered and immediately took the seat next to me. Two more ladies showed up and we began just as we did on this night. After the closing, this man asked me where I had been hiding. I thought, if we weren’t at a recovery meeting, this would have been a weak pickup line. I politely answered and two nights later we found ourselves back in the same room, only this time he had brought a friend. Afterwards, he tried to introduce me to this other man, but I immediately let him know he and I had already known each other for a long time. Before I knew it, I was being swept away to dinner to spend a very pleasant evening with these two wonderful men.  Life was becoming fun again.
By the end of that evening, phone numbers were exchanged between this new man I had just met two days prior and by the end of the week, we had gone on our first date. Within a week’s time, we had become inseparable, introduced our children to each other and vowed we were “going to do this differently than either of us had in the past”. What we meant by that was, we won’t rush into anything. We will take the time to get to know each other. Until our humanness got the best of us and the marathon sex began. I think we lasted almost two months, but to this day we have remained friends.
“Would you like to share tonight?” I heard the words and was nudged on my arm by this new man sitting next to me, “your turn”. Quickly I was brought back to the present moment, “yes,  hi my name is…”. I can’t recall the topic that night or even what I spoke about, but when I was finished, he was next. As he spoke, I heard more than words coming from his mouth. There was wisdom and a surety in his voice that was refreshing to hear. I thought to myself, now this is a man who is working it and walking it, not faking it and talking it. All my preconceived notions of his motives and intentions disappeared.
He stayed on this side of the wall for the long haul. His dedication to recovering himself was very attractive. He was getting it and it showed. I saw him more often as he became a grateful, faithful member who warmed a chair weekly and shared his heart. I found myself looking forward to not only hearing what he had to say, but seeing him across the room.
At some point, the flirting began, but we didn’t take it beyond that. Could this truly be a divine connection? Is this actually how a healthy relationship is formed? I had no idea and I was starting to think neither did he, but the attraction certainly was there. This man was not coming at me, sexually charged or playing any games to fuck with my head. Week after week it was apparent he was showing up, same as I to dig deeper into the process of healing and healthy choices.
He was offered the phone list, which also contained email addresses. It started with an email. “I hope you don’t mind, I just wanted to say hi.” My heart raced. He took the time and effort to reach out and connect with me. “I didn’t want to use your phone number without first asking you if I could call you.” I was hooked. It had been a long time since a gentleman had stood in front of me.
The emails while he was at work quickly transitioned into regular daily texts. “You make my day float by.” “I love to soak up that peace and serenity you have.” They went on from there. We were now getting to know each other on a personal level outside the place where we share ESH, pain and the like with others. Were we establishing a friendship? Maybe this is what Mr. Dreamy, as I so affectionately called that last one, were wanting to try but failed at.
This was all strange to me because I only ever knew what it was like to jump right in and be in a relationship. He had me at, “You always look so peaceful” and I was willing to wait this time to see what we could really be.
There was a big speaker/potluck meeting coming up and we both wondered if the other was attending. For whatever reason, we didn’t make a plan to go together, but instead committed to going. This taking it slow arrangement, though it was unspoken, seemed to work for us. However, I was becoming impatient, as my old behavior would dictate. We saw each other and immediately hugged, because that’s what everyone in the rooms do.
The night went on as we listened to the shares of the presenters tell their stories of what it was like before recovery, how their lives have changed and what life is like today. I almost felt like I was back in high school, waiting for the cute boy I had my eye on, ask me to dance so I could go home, dream of him and write his name all over my binder at school.
Well, there was no dancing this night and it was quickly winding up, while I had hoped we might make a coffee date to end the evening with. The large crowd soon thinned out and we found ourselves outside with a few lingering bodies. It was in that instance I realized this man is more timid than I imagined as he approached to hug me goodnight, I thought, “that’s it?”
He got in his truck and I in mine. I saw he had a friend with him to take home and I did too. There I was, sitting in my truck wondering what to do. I decided I had nothing to lose and maybe something to gain, so I shot him a text, “coffee after we drop our obligations home?” Without a hesitation his immediate reply came, “I’ll pick you up in thirty.” Now I really did feel like a school girl again.
Just short of kicking my gal pal out of my truck at the bottom of her driveway, I raced home to freshen up, just as I saw his headlights pull up. By now it was ten o’clock and I couldn’t have been more excited. Was this finally our first date? I had no idea what to expect and I didn’t care. Here it was again, fun to be had.
We kept up the pretense of getting that coffee and then went for a drive. Talking for hours as he continued to drive across the county line and back again. By now it was midnight and we stopped in one of our small towns to walk around. Gratefully we found one open bathroom and as we got to the door, he insisted on checking the stalls to be certain no one was in there. I got the green light and while I was in there, I couldn’t help but think how amazing he was and how safe I felt.
He opened the door for me and we climbed back into his truck once more. “Where to now” I asked. “I don’t know, but I don’t want to take you home yet”, he said, and we drove into the night. We had stopped for gas and before we knew it, the clock struck three a.m. Regretfully he announced he was meeting his daughter early for breakfast and should probably get some rest. A walk to the door, a big hug goodnight and there it was, a warm soft kiss. Walking up the stairs to my room I thought once again, is this what healthy looks like? I’m sure I don’t know, but I had hoped to find out.
healthy relationship
TBC…

 

I have a life to attend to…

twenty-two days ago, no end in sight…

broken heart 2

overwhelming in abundance…

tear 2

eighteen days and counting…

praise

keep on…

waiting

because…

grow strength

then nine days ago… 

knee

gave new meaning to “hit your knees”…

temporary setback, so~

eight days ago a new one of these…

Lion of Judah

because it’s what I do while building…

strength

that is starting to look like this…

IMG_1409

because…

crossfit

filling me up with…

encourage

and suddenly…

Mending_a_Broken_Heart_by_Laffy_Taffy247

since I have been…

hands

today it begins…

Healing_hands

my restoration of power…

I AM SUCHAGIRL, praise God!

I CAN resist that bait…

hook

Detachment is a conscious effort only achieved with practice. To this day, I have yet to find any mastery skills that would cure me of my insatiable appetite to hang on to something my heart says to never give up. By white knuckling my grip, the object of my, well lets just call it obsession, turns to sand between my fingertips. I am learning to hold on loosely and love unconditionally.

This is when my boundaries come into the necessary realms of realty. Where I was once limitless, accepting of any and all behavior directed at me, good, bad and indifferent, today I can choose to not accept the unacceptable and let go with loving detachment.  At times it can feel like a daily struggle, but with my eyes wide open, I learn to respect my inner voice screaming at me, “this is a hook, don’t bite!”

There is that long distance relationship often happening between my rational thinking reeling me in and my bleeding heart that convinces me otherwise. How long can a fish be out of water before it actually can no longer breathe? I have tested this experiment on numerous occasions throughout my life. Apparently, my lung capacity has vastly improved over the years.

What is a girl to do? This particular one has not quite discovered what works for her or where the sinkholes reside, but she is a work in progress, seeking answers. I have gained awareness that I am more susceptible to these infractions than some. It often takes my talking to God and that safe one other person to show me I have fallen yet again, hook, line and sinker.

This is not a “beat myself up”, condescending spanking I am attempting to achieve here. I am merely wanting to remind myself this is a pattern of mine. Unfortunately, I get more opportunities to practice, obviously, because I have yet to conquer this ongoing battle.

Grace has seeped in as I strengthen my divine connection. God’s shield of protection has been there all along, but sometimes I turn away from even Him because my flesh wants what it wants. There “he” is again, the tempter, rationalizing as he pries my heart wide open again, subjecting me to infection. Guns are drawn, the all too familiar battle begins and the war is on.

Lord, help me feel the presence of You and You alone as I turn my eyes up and run to Your arms wide open. Hold me while the storms passes through. You are my shelter, my true strong tower. Help me be obedient to You, trusting in Your guidance and love while swimming in the ocean of faith.

Wake me when it’s over, gently place me back in the water so I can…

 swim