self abandonment…

Did i even know this concept existed? Not until one day it was pointed out as my current state of abuse. Question… Why did i constantly feel so neglected, left out, left behind and forgotten? Answer… for self awareness sake, because i allowed it.

i had grown up more than feeling this enormous amount of depletion from others, but hadn’t a clue why until my behaviors reflected the broken, walking-wounded soul within. The scars keep reminding me of the battles i have faced while the wounds resurface with every lasting trace, but i need… someone

As a child i had no control over my own circumstances, nor did i add to the fault by simply being that good little girl, quiet and invisible. What did abandonment look like or worse, feel like? For me it looked like a scared, pathetic little person chasing after love, but never catching up to it. To not feel like i had any sense of belonging or inclusion of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, devastation, solitude, isolation and shame, but i need… someone

How does this coincide with ditching myself? It goes hand in empty hand. i was taught to not call attention to my needs, no matter how loud my heart was screaming out. Ignore the emotional inner rampage building up inside and i can get through another agonizing day and lonely night. This is what all youngsters must go through and feel like, right? It must be, but i need… someone

Sure i’ll marry you and have three wonderful sons. At least then the pain of lonliness and abandonment will subside and i will finally have a purpose for my existence. Be the best mom and shower them with all the attention i never received or was worthy of. They deserve it, afterall, they need… me

Why am i angry all the time? i began to wonder, but couldn’t stop the rage. He is gone more than he is home. Drunk again. Leaving me alone. i recognize this. i know what to do, chase him. Prove to him i am worthy of his glory, his time, his presence, his love. Ah screw it, he is a lost cause. Focus on those three amazing sons. i won’t have to chase them down. Besides, they won’t run very far, they need… me

Alone, lost and frightened once again. What do i do? What should i do? Am i better off to accept what comes my way and swallow it whole to avoid the dreary pains of being left? This anger won’t leave me alone, that i can depend on. Enough was enough i decided one final day. It was within the midst of some toxic time with my confidant, that i gained the courage and strength to tell that man to leave. Sooo, it took an additional ten years of abuse and neglect, infidelity and lies, but i took the plunge. For the first time i realized, i need… me

i was immensely discontent and abandoned by all those who claimed to love me that it became normal to me. i learned from the best teachers how to pretend to live without my basic needs met. Oh i knew what i was missing because there was no greater hurt than to be by myself and wonder if anyone would ever truly love me just for me. One day i found a special place, a gathering of humans, other walking woundeds who graciously accepted me and all my brokenness, battle scars and all. They taught me self love, gave me a sense of self worth and offered me hope beyond my wildest imagination. They introduced me to a loving God who patiently waited at my heart’s door for me to open it and let Him in. Could it be? Is it possible that He needs… me? Because i came to believe, that i need… Him

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Confounded once more, did i do it to myself yet again? Unlearned lessons are destined to repeat themselves. Could this be why i feel like i’m on that familiar life raft, a lost little soul floating aimlessly at sea? i write these jumbled up thoughts to sort my wrong thinking out and to remember;

Evil thoughts always come back and will haunt me for life, “stop leaving me alone!” So i am beginning to manage them rather than the other way around. i am strengthened in You and i can do anything through You. i need… You 

i am worthy of love, honest, warm and true. i deserve time, attention and affection, not just for a moment or two, given to me freely not because i ask but simply because i am sacred not some fruitless task

i know in my heart that i sincerely need you, but i am learning that i need me too…    

 

Come what may…

When there are no words left to speak the candle’s wick begins to sputter

Sudden darkness fills the air with just the moonlight illuminating through a crack

The only sound to be heard are slow paced rotations of one taking the inhalations of the others exhalations  

Enmeshed they are not but rather 2 souls to compliment, bodies intertwined with hearts of desire to keep both wanting

One grows weary from exhaustion of a worrisome existence

The other wrestling and torn determined to hold up a  firm structured frame 

Fear traps the feet unable to thrust forward

Stuck in their familiar place destination unknown but constantly moving

Unload the baggage that weighs down the progress

Let the natural evolving course of events simply fall into position

Pack up the gloves lay to rest the left over residue of doubt

Be amazed by what is being revealed stand in awe trust what is real

Hold fast to what has been laid at Your feet

Love solely with a pure and gentle heart

 

Receive it and believe it let go and let flow…

 

this is how i process, so deal with it…

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My heart has been buried alive

not once or twice but more than I care to admit

Back then I impetuously accused you for all things that went wrong 

As you watched me bleed because you would not commit

One after another my pattern unclear 

Is something offensively wrong with me

Yet I needed to draw you near

For a lifetime now I owned the words

accepted all the shame

Lies, deceit and opposition 

Pick your poison as it manifests it’s how we play the game 

 Which one is sicker in the end who stands tall

I stay to the death committed and strong 

Or perhaps it’s defeat as I begin to fall

A martyr once was the role I  wore best

Till one day victory won over 

Putting me to the test

How far can she bend till she breaks inside

Twisted like an old oak 

But more like a palm tree holding its pride

Brush it off this current layer of sludge 

Never mind what they’ve all told you

Only bitterness holds a grudge

Your spirit is within a bright and mighty soul

They never mean to harm and scathe

it’s just who they are 

It’s up to you to relinquish all the illusion of control

I am more than enough this lady worth having solely 

You will never convince me otherwise

Because I will always love you wholly 

I’m reminded who I am each time the sun sets low

A wonderful package full and complete 

A display of wonders to be lifted up never held below

A treasured one to behold, loved, honored and cherished

It’s not your fault you couldn’t see my value for all its worth

So hold your head low and watch as we parish 

It came to this as it typically does the inferno shoots the flame 

I have it all… heart, body, mind and soul

There is only you to blame 

Sleep well my little time bomb… 

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positive self talk, “girl…”

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trust the unseen

you think that you know

the blinders came off

to expose the awful show

a fool in your own eyes

in your heart a disaster

your mind played tricks

while you tried to run faster

away from the reality

look in the mirror

what do you see

nowhere to hide

this time I chose me

hold tight to your heart

regain your dignity

no regrets or remorse

celebrate your victory

you’ve always had a choice

how quickly you get lost

led down the dark and narrow

possessed and then tossed

out of the ashes beauty remains

you’ve experienced more pain than a lifetime should hold

the healing is coming as you draw Him close to you

always remember you have a heart made of gold

thoughts are strong, words are powerful…

Critical expressions meant to enrich me for betterment

Yet stand all alone when delivered in judgement…

 Pursuant in romance as the beginning stage fades slowly away

To cherish my gifts renders a promise not to sway…

“You made my heart sing with energy that draws me near

A look so propelling from such a beautiful woman

my words no longer clear

Too special a creature extraordinary by any form

A body by definition sensual and warm

Those eyes incredibly piercing the deepest shade of blue

Intellectual and sexy a lady all the way through

 That smile makes me tingle knowing I put it there

Breathless and provocative a treasure I’ll never share

Flirtatious sometimes teasing relentlessly so

Bringing me to my knees directionless which way to go

Offer up protection safe from any harm

Uplifting comes easy take comfort in my arm”

These simple phrases that keep me by your side

Stimulating strokes of my hair make me willing to abide

Firm strong intentions felt in Your grasp

Evoking confidence to inspire respect that will last

Gifts in kind gestures that may appear to You as trite

Unravel my heart that cries out in sheer delight

A flowering bud blossoms its petals while opening slow

Peaking in warm sunlight just beginning to grow

Soothing words offered intently with subtlety and ease

Bring over time and again my willingness to please

attitude of gratitude…

If I accomplish but one thing in life and that is that I was able to show, give and receive the love in my heart, then my purpose has been filled. Maybe that is 3 things, but they all go hand in hand.

When I began this blog, it was at the encouragement and urging of my then, “Captain” of my life. I had no idea what I wanted to do or make this look like. As I peruse back over my posts, I see the changes and growth in this relationship, but mostly in me. It has not been smooth sailing, but like Grampa always told and showed me, anything worth having is worth working for.

I have never been one to sit still very long or camp out and stay with one mainstreamed theme as I have proven within my writings. I write for me and if something appeals to another soul, all the more encouraging for part of my purpose. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Never have I thought in terms of being like the proverbial iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a piece of what exists within this girl. I have been reminded often of not being direct and in need of a translator for my thoughts. I understand my heart pretty well, but conveying what is on it to another can present a challenge at times. As I write these words I again display a classic rendition of which I speak. Jumbled deliverances bouncing around seeking clarity, yet leaving the reader to decipher just what in the world this girl is saying.

I very rarely get sick, but yesterday I suffered a bout of something foreign within that forced me to be as still as possible. By late evening it seemed to be dissipating. However, after behaving in a wretched manner, I began to dislike my own company. I cracked open a book that I have intended on reading for some time now. As I began to devour this powerful read, revelations of myself were seeping in, strengthening me to my core. I shared snippets of my findings just to have them fall on deaf ears or so it seemed. Offended and hurt, I became relentless with my continued behavior, further rendering myself a nuisance.

Upon  awakening this morning, not only was the bug that strapped me down gone, my attitude was brighter. I forgave myself for acting poorly and chalked it up to feeling my aloneness and in need of soothing comfort during an uncomfortable time. No longer do I want to be at the mercy of someone else’s approval. 

The realization of where my focus has been and the ways in which it is illusive can misdirect me, but are becoming more apparent. There are so many things, including people, that desire my attention. It is evident that life does give me what I attract with my thoughts. Believing then that I will bring close to me what my energy displays. The verdict is in, everyone along my journey truly is a teacher in my life. I firmly embrace that.

Recently a friend took some pictures of me just for fun and posted one on social media. I in turn used one for my profile picture and the response, though not the intention or motive, was astounding. A simple drama free act, lead to more than I could have imagined. Typically I am not welcoming of such attention, but the outpour I received was somehow what I was in need of without knowing it. This particular site isn’t a place I frequently choose to visit, but suddenly I was being filled up in ways I hadn’t connected that were deficient. Shortly after what was innocent fun in the moment, God was sending messages through His vessels with His Divine appointments. Private messages were coming in with words of support and encouragement, reminding me how much my existence does matter to this world. Somehow I had lost track of that.

Evolving is a slow process of changing over a period of time. During these changes I have been experiencing some severe growing pains as I weather some treacherous storms, but landing on my feet is what this kitty has always managed to do. There have been times of celebration for triumphs and successes that hold my attention more. Press on big girl, there is more of life to experience, more love to give, show and receive…

 

the newest me…

How did I get so far behind

Down from the trenches I’ve dug myself out

Sometimes I continue to find myself out of line

Accepting of old shame where a battle may still reside

I have baggage left to unload

Willing to work at it and no longer hide

Keep chipping away my burdens slow to remove

Leaving some wounds and tiny invisible scars

After all they once cut through so much left to prove

I can’t expect the old pain to rush out and come forward

The process is on a continuum basis  

and I am forever moving onward

There is no stopwatch a potion or magic wand

If there were I would wish for one small sip a swift gentle wave

for all that once troubled me surely would be gone

Since time has the only healing power

The virtue of prosperity patience and love  

I must seek from my strong tower

I’ve never managed to escape imperfections or flaws

I wasn’t created as such  

Why then do I tolerate torment it gives me great pause

 Stand back and catch a breath as I ask my heart its true desire 

To always give and receive love

Be honest and true never deceitful or portray a liar

Seek contentment happiness and joy 

Carry it with me let it spill over 

These are the things I can employ

 I know today that I am easy to love 

My barriers are down this heart is receptive

I am being restored from the heavens above

The clock has slowed down giving me such mercy and grace

Memories of old formed my character to be

I’m not who I once was behind this same gentle face 

Look deeper into my eyes the windows to my soul

What you will see if you truly seek to find  

a sparkling new me beginning to glow

singing my own praises…

I am not a full participant in my own life. For as long as I can remember, the definition of me has always been dependent upon you. My happiness derived from your contentment. Often I choose solitude over seeking fulfillment of experiences. Seemingly glad to wait the time for me to decide my fate while life is in session. The parade of opportunity and destiny passes me by. Another task to conquer first then the rewards shall be mine, but that day doesn’t come.

Permission is not granted to take a break and enjoy the moment at hand. Still, there is far to go before a breath can be fully absorbed. Hold tight to the ropes and shackles that bind. Exhaling is a luxury when there’s still so much to accomplish the illusions I create in my mind.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” I once heard someone say. The memo was lost somewhere along the way; “Life is too short to not take that gamble, that risk or leap of faith”. Still I practice patience, trust what I cannot see and wait in the balance. Others flutter by me some a mere blur. Their arms gesture a, “come join me”, but still I stare. Standing in wonder sometimes at what their lives hold, the treasures and secrets they get to share.

So I continue this journey on the path of straight and narrow. A good girl I’ve only ever known how to be. Scared to do it afraid, quite the conundrum when I think about it. I shrug towards them to the point of an ironic giggle. Someone said to me recently, “I can’t believe you would do this (enormous gesture) for me when you won’t even consider doing it for yourself”. Still learning to honor me.

His statement gave me great pause and I thought, no one has ever asked me to put my life on hold. It has been by my own hand and fear of losing something that I make these choices. If I move too quickly or freely without a care, but with regard to my own thoughts and actions, what will you do? After all that’s only considerate of me, but it’s what I witness in action of you, to thine own self be true.

When may I begin to see that I too deserve to live a life that was intended to be honored, full of love, happiness, comfort, tolerance, compassion and joy, carefree and in this moment content to simply be me. Walk parallel with you even one length aside, joined together in partnership truly taking things in stride, witnessing the miracles as they lay across our path, my hand in yours embracing of this great big world a warm, gentle bath.

Alone is not the purpose of which we were created to be. Things are unimportant in comparison to unity. If I had a magic wand a hypnotic spell to cast over, I’d wash away the burdens and contradictions that loom above and hover. Inside my eager heart often I do pray for clarity and direction. At the same time I toss in, “and God reveal to him as You may, your intention and affection”. Keep making me whole and complimentary to this world as I am meant to be that blessing, the one who touches the souls who are lost and in need.

Alone I came upon this glorious fruitful earth. Divided by the works of some I learned to quietly accept and ingest what was given. Figure out the difficulties a way to overcome. Do what you are told and the battle will be done. Peace shall consume this soul of impurities just as love has redeemed most of my wounds and insecurities.

I shall never give up on myself as challenging as I can become. Rendered a blessing to most a powerful influence of one, the messenger, a vessel with a grand assignment to be done. Remove thyself from your shadow my own light I must exhume, I’ve placed myself in the darkness now I must resume.

Who branded me of such limitation that I was not worthy for more than merely a frustration? I speak reverently of you as my promise and devotion all the while an inside disruption from non-reciprocal emotion. Opposites of attraction deemed such a quality match, tolerance and deep understanding are a kinder to my heart that you are the righteous catch. I have looked deep between the lines and found many triumphs and great pleasure that I truly am that golden harp laden with beauty for you to treasure…

Daddy knows…

feed me and You will see me grow

water me and You will see me shine

give me light and You will see me glow

lift me up and You will see me free

plant me and You will see me stand tall

teach me and You will see me be all there is to be

talk to me and You will see me abound

praise me and You will see me bloom

love me and You will see me firmly on the ground

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in Your presence, Your arms, Your heart…

the day will come when water sinks low

to the bottom of the earth but the wind will still blow

like the pain from the past electrified and true

the subtle fresh daylight shines warmly making anew

this life we’ve encountered a style You unburied from inside

has taken us so deep wrapped up safely for me to hide

this goes beyond under the covers from the blanket You do swaddle me

the plans You have set forth are unveiling surely setting us both free

Sir You always excite me with every ounce of energy surging through my core

my heart races for You my Daddy whom i so adore

never did this little girl dream of these possibilities

that love honor and devotion could bring me to my knees

not caring of others thoughts judgments or opinions this is who i chose to portray

willingly give all of myself to You Sir the only Man i truly obey

gracious is my soul with every inch of my body You take

far beyond measure more than sexual desire and lust the perfect sub You make

with deep passion love and patience a wonderful Daddy depicting His sturdy frame

Your little girl simply melts in Your arms having only You to blame

serving You Sir is a blessing to always give and please

showing my loyalty to You alone putting Your heart at ease

as You give back to me what i never really had or found

a lifetime of missed opportunities You push me harder so my feet can leave the ground

maybe others cannot understand the depths where this can lead

perhaps because many of them won’t allow their hearts to bleed

the escape as it pours out manages my inner commotion

but Daddy it’s only You that comforts and soothes my every emotion