…may I please have a date on the calendar and a time on the clock then?
Living with such intensity
Putting myself out there for all the world to see
Roads paved with mock~able beta men
Passively addressing leaving me to remember when
How I craved the sternness and power under Your control
The subtle consensual exchange as we began to grow
A glance over my shoulder not a single moment of regret
Carefully selected by You made me never to forget
Just sitting there approached from everywhere I turn
My head fully aware that my heart stings from the burn
Dance with this one and from that one accept another drink
Don’t get so close stop touching me please I am on the brink
They all feel so wrong knowing what they are after
I am not for them this feels like a cruel joke but I’ve yet to hear the laughter
Days are fading into night plans we made coming up fast
Distracting myself from disbelief that we were not to last
My thoughts interrupted by an inquisitive friend wanting simply just to know
“where’s your man” the quiet words whispered from my lips “He let me go”
Not knowing what to say he shook his head with charm
followed with an “I’m so sorry” and a gentle caress upon my arm
We had become iconic Daddy and me in our tiny little town
People taking comfort seeing us around
“You always looked so happy” more soothing words they say
“I thought we were” is all I reply “but here we are today”
Stop dwelling my head tells my heart
How can we heal and move on while we remain torn apart
I’ll get there when I’m ready to stop bathing in the sorrow
I know there has to be a joyful and brighter tomorrow
Life keeps on turning with the kindness of others who mean well
Continued reminders of what once was now only time will tell
You always seemingly knew what was for the best
This time a standing ovation putting us to rest
Now the silent promise to Yourself keep a safe distance so not to stumble
Severed and all alone assuring us not to crumble
No one seems to understand the ache I bear within
Desperately wanting to lunge me forward to begin anew once again
As Daddy already declared that time is all that can fill
The broken-hearted emptiness but for now time is standing still
I am a design made of multiple complexities, minor flaws and major attributes. I don’t come with an instruction manual nor do I possess a large quantity of malfunctioning parts, but I can tell you this;
I am lovable beyond belief, irreplaceable to the point of regret, strong in matters of the heart, more loyal than the puppy next door with patience near that of a kitty waiting outside a mouse’s little house, have integrity as the day is long and contain an abundance of love that is never-ending.
If suddenly I were a flame that flickered out, destined to become the faint memory that once graced your life, would you gasp in disbelief that my breath is no longer yours to take in, that what is has become what was and everything you ever knew and thought to be has irreversibly changed in an instant for eternity.
Panic stricken and riddled with fear, desperately wanting the hands of time to turn back. You clutch for one more chance, a solitary moment, even if only for a second to say those unspoken words, to undo what has been done, to hold tighter to what could have been, to value what always was, to at last understand the meaning of a precious commodity, to create moments that leave memories etched upon your heart over completion of mundane tasks, to have taken the time to discover all the possibilities of what could have been, to know what it feels like to have your spirit remade, to indulge in pure joy and contentment, to receive new mercy with every new-born day, to know what it means to be filled with love, but instead you are now left with how it truly is.
time stands still as Your heart beats slow
hitting Your knees head sinks low
guilt rages within eyes overflow
looking up to the sky sorrow begins to grow
pain so intense next time You will know…
It’s only temporary
it isn’t permanent
It’s only six weeks
it isn’t forever
It’s only going away
it isn’t leaving you
It’s only sad feelings
it isn’t a fact
It’s only the truth
it isn’t a lie
It’s only this little girl’s heart
is isn’t going to die
the dream is always the same
I awake calling your name
unspoken words things that were left unsaid
days are passing by every hour fills with dread
where was my lack of trust in knowing that you care
fear became my enemy expression I did not dare
now I am left holding my heart in my hand
uncertain of anything except for where we stand
alone in the darkness so quiet and empty
the deceiver so taunting comes around to hurt me
I write it out on paper my words seem so healing
as always before me you know how I’m feeling
take care of myself my body soul and mind
to thine own self be true honest loving and kind
this doesn’t make sense how we got to this place
so much to still share yet you are gone without a trace
when will the sadness stop that is deep within me
another day is unfolding yet I cannot clearly see
I always thought we were worth trying for
the love I have in my heart is for you the man I adore
I asked for a measure of time to clean up what remains
to put what’s been done to rest our foundation to sustain
leave nothing unfinished in an instant it could all be gone
then what is left but sorrow and regret for all that is still undone
the timing must not be right to go through this next part
until the peace washes over me I cannot speak my heart
for now I will keep walking through each and every day
it will come in perfect order just what we need to say
The sun came up after a rare, peaceful night’s sleep. Exhausted from traveling, yet somehow more filled up. Then a simple gesture comes through, one little touch, my best friend reaches out into my heart she did creep;
“I’m thinking about you today.
I wish I could do something to help, but only time will.”
A tear springs to my eye reminding me to feel.
Why am I struggling so? God help me heal!
I have come so far from the place I once clung to. By now I would have sought out in another to numb and distract me until time moved me on and I could start anew.
God has shown me the ways to care about me, not rely on the world to cover my wounds, but to look up and find refuge in all that I see.
These days remind me still that I am the same girl, wanting love and protection the need to be filled.
For a brief period of time in the grand scheme of things, I was blessed to have had a glimpse of what it might bring.
His actions on my mind how they still ring out, like a song to my heart, console and bring comfort his words they do shout;
“It’s handled kitty…”
Those three simple words I came to trust and depend on, in essence when spoken from his lips, never let me down.
Having been starved for love since being a little girl, the craving for more brought me to a place I thought I’d never feel.
It surely felt like God’s hands were right in there, delivering His blessing through the flesh of a savior.
Choices I have made I can finally see, the rungs on the ladder got out of order because of me.
“I didn’t ask you to put me there.”
“I did that all on my own.”
It has taken this time for clarity to erase some of the confusion that had fogged my vision and took me to a horizontal position.
Sometimes I think I see God’s plan, His vision and design, at least a small portion of what He has in mind.
I am so grateful you graced my life and entered my heart, not a note of regret nor an ounce of remorse, only fond memories play a part.
gazing to the sky as your plane descends through the air
my heart sinks a little more knowing you no longer care
not wanting to bear thoughts of me not waiting for that flight
six hours down another highway I drove into the night
a simple change of scenery from the corners of my mind
turning it all over a daily struggle I often find
take comfort in His mercy knowing He brought me to this
with honor favor and grace I am promised I will have bliss
she saw through my eyes into the windows of my soul
startled by her touch this stranger said I’ll take this grief so you will be whole
smiling I replied but for today I still feel weary as this too one day will pass
until then I will keep talking about it not caring if I’m a pain in the ass
when my silence does come what a glorious day that shall be
the healing may have started for now I am where I am and this is just me
it saddens me to know that what once was is no longer
my heart though it’s been tattered continues to beat stronger
a month is drawing near since we last said a final word
departing of our ways neither one clearly heard
the reprieve I did need from seeing your comforting face
grateful for your time away which brought me to a better space
sometimes life feels so heavy confusing and torn apart
turn the page as we walk away giving a brand new start
all I ever wanted was to love you through it all
when that exchange didn’t happen from you we began to fall
this is not how I want to remember you today
but rather that man I did love I will honestly be able to say…
I have a particular ass~signment that was suggested I complete for me to get to the other side of this emotional pain and discomfort from my heartache. I took the single sheet of paper out tonight for probably the fifth time. As I looked at it with more determination this time, I vowed to accomplish the daunting task at hand. Try as I may to muster up the courage, the tears poured like the rain outside my window. Again I ask the question, how the fuck am I going to conclude this “closure work” around something I never wanted to be closed in the first place?
Apparently if I do this work, miraculously the nearly three years I invested my heart in will heal just like that? Call me a pessimist, but I am certain it does not quite work like that. There is a process to it that with God and time I will heal. I continue to work a spiritual program of emotional sobriety and one thing I know is, I only get back the amount I am willing to put into anything. I also know that forcing a solution rarely, if ever, works. When I give time ample time, the results will come because of my efforts.
In posing the question to myself, “what spouted off the waterworks that were so incredibly intense this evening”? Aside from the paper that now is tucked away back in my journal for safe hiding, the answers weren’t clear, so I sat with my feelings and just let the tears flow, again. Once they subsided, I began to explore the partitions of my heart. I thought of recent days and realized how alone I feel. Events of life occur, obstacles, challenges, triumphs and successes. Sharing these things with someone makes the frightening parts feel cut in half and the glorious ones seem to double in joy. I feel cheated out of the option to confide and glorify in, or just run them by the one I want to.
I injured myself Friday at the finish line of my warmup mile run just before I was to start my workout at “the box”. I did a pretty damn good job of damaging parts of me if I do say so myself. I managed to get my banged up self to the car, I sat there bleeding, in shock and pain. I began to cry, more because the person I would have first called is no longer available to soothe and comfort me. After a few minutes, I pulled myself together and headed home to clean up.
I had enough presence of mind to send some pictures to my sister. I never shared my emotional state of sadness with her, only my anger at my own stupidity. Then I heard His words in my heart, “Stop. You’re not stupid..shit happens”. Followed by explicit instructions of what to do. I was remaining obedient even in His absence. How does that even work? As I showered, I was writhing in pain from the hot water stinging on my torn skin and swelling leg. While the tears continued to run down my cheeks I wondered what hurt more.
As always, I carried on with the next thing in front of me regardless of the aches that were consuming me. It was a long, quiet drive to my destination. I had entirely too much alone time in the car and could not seem to force the flow of the traffic to pick up its pace. The attempts to push thoughts from my mind were failing me. I cranked the stereo up louder and when I did, the speakers reminded me of repairs that were still in need of attention. Another indicator of unfinished business that will require closure too.
By now I was drowning in a sea of memories, one thought carrying over to another. Signs pointing out realities that are now making sense to me. Clarity I needed, that perhaps confusion kept me safe from at the time. Finally the turn off from the busy highway to a long, lonely country road that was leading me to a place where I’d find my safe haven for the next two nights. A place where just being me is acceptable and I could simply breathe or not, it was completely up to me.
At last the car led me down the familiar road and up the driveway where I could seek solace and comfort. Feeling so much physical pain at this point, I managed to pour my ass out of the car and limp up the sidewalk, open the door and settle in. It was in that very instance that I knew, when God brings me to it, His promise to me is He will get me through it. I stopped beating myself up for lacking the courage to force my way to the other side of this ordeal.
Up to this point in my life, I have walked through an over abundance of emotional pain. By the grace of God I have been learning what it takes to conquer those demons, one foot in front of the other, one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I pray God, please move me through this with Your mercy and grace, but hurry up about it.
I was reminded today from a warm heart that I “have a good head on my shoulders” and to “stay that way”. 😉 My grateful reply was, “going backwards is not an option”. Those kinds words, along with many others, keep me in right thinking. I am a fulltime job worth paying attention to and I will always be a beautiful new creation in progress. The Lord is faithful within me, His love unfailing and everlasting.
my heart fucked up again
when will it ever end
my head said, “hey dummy, you’ve traveled this path
did you learn nothing from suffering His wrath”
how goddamn many swats will it take
do you really want to break
respect is such a significant gift
one you give graciously with every lift
so why can’t you get it through your stupid girl head
are you trying to dissolve what means everything until it is dead
lord please help me do better my heart is crying out
Your child is strug-gul-ling as she begins to scream and shout
what happened was monumental in my Sir’s eyes
I cannot hide through any disguise
run from the sadness sitting still is trial
my words He cannot hear and are only vile
pain from my wrong unbearably difficult hold
if Sir would only forgive me but my asking is much too bold
reaching out to Him in the midst of His anger
is not in my best interest and puts our relationship in danger
Sir whom I trust completely to be who You are
please find me in Your heart and not push away so far
Your kitten is so sorry if You would only believe
it is my honor to serve and please these blessings You shall receive
my respect runs deeply through in everything I do
how beautiful my life complimented by You
I cherish and adore You all my days that You touch
Sir without Your presence I am missing you so very much
Your hands grazing my body lips upon my skin
how I long to feel You Sir deep within
taking everything while holding me so tight
over and over again long into the night
meanwhile I patiently wait attempting to just be
the one thing You always ask of me…
the warmth of Your breath on my back
as You drift off to sleep
listening to You gently exhale
my body for You to keep
be still so not to wake You
time frozen for now
soon the plane will whisk You away
relax You say but how
far from home
from everyday strife
and from life
Sir how I will miss You
as You ascend into the air
exhausted yet so filled up
from the last hours that we shared
between trips Sir took me
never wanting it to end
so much pleasure and passion
again and again and again…
while You count hours
for Your feet to hit ground
I watch the clock
till Your flight touches down
You assure I will be just fine
for this longer stint apart
You Sir are always right
and deep within my heart
at last to hear Your voice
see a distorted picture view
a breath it did escape me
every minute something new
what feels like an eternity
is really a moment in time
until then I’ll find much to do
to occupy my mind
a test without Your presence
from only the week before
I need to handle things without You
my promise to Sir whom I adore
being His good girl
Sir will reward His Kitty
loyal devoted always true
keep proving myself worthy