submissively struggling though obedience is abound…

Actively participating in a submissive’s own life, apart from and separate to that of its Master/Dominant/Owner. Is this even possible or desirable? Because it is absolutely necessary for us to grow. 

How long have i secretly been imposing, possibly unknowingly and complacently hiding behind The Master’s needs while placing my own responsibilities aside in order to fulfill His completely and efficiently? Did He ask or expect me to in this manner of unmitigated self sacrifice? On the contrary, He expects nothing less than perfectibility on my part for the areas that enrich and help me grow towards self sufficiency, but at the same time to make His life easier in doing so. Otherwise, i am nothing more than a doormat dormant little leach waiting for everyone else, especially The Master, to handle decisions and completely oversee to the entirety of my life. Perhaps this is protocol in other D/s, D/lg, D/bg or M/s relationships, but not ours. It is a requirement that this lg/bg/s/s (yes, we have an established variety that works well for us) attends to the nature of seeing to it that independently, i can thrive. 
Today is a day of which struggle has been a continuous measure between my fear and faith. Within the discomfort, i find strength because i know as i fumble along and take initiative, i will find the direction of my personal purpose. Whereas,
if i wait stagnant with merely good intentions, ultimately i will suffer. 
True to all healthy arrangements in a partnership of any calling, neither respect nor adoration can be obtained let alone be sustained in the absence of self love and sufficiency to some degree, one would assume. 
So again, i remind myself to; 1. ask the question 2. receive the truth 3. remove the fear
Why have i been complacent?
Because i’ve wanted to be completely available to The Master’s disposal for His every need in the moment of His orders.
Is this our arrangement?
Yes Sir of course, but not at the expense of self sabotage or failure.
Are you being successful within our established agreement?
Yes Sir, so it is i that needs to look at my own actions and fears.
Thank You Master for understanding with a gracious, loving heart.
There it is, the truth beyond measure. Activate my faith with fire in my belly. Balance will come when the process is trusted for my higher good. Believe that i am worthy to receive and all things will fall naturally in to its divine place and order. 
and this is why…
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just the thought of You…

Your skin under its fingertips
its body surrendered to Your control
let us please stay right here for just an hour or more
Time to start the day girl He firmly gives a command
sweet moans arise upon its lip
a gentle push one soft whisper yes Sir releasing from His grip
If to simply remain in this luxurious stolen moment
To experience the radiation floating over still lingers in our touch
fill it again with Your fruitful juice
satiated while worshiping You with love and gentle tenderness
Is it possible to actually feel a heart expanding with devotion
seeping from its very soul flooding with emotion
The aroma now penetrating through the heated air
consuming its thoughts wants and desire
begging Him please without saying a word pleading with its flesh on fire
You have taken it places never to have been seen
We started out as a tepid pool of lust
evolving over time into a transformation of trust

                      With every passing day it is left wanting and craving You more                        pleased and honored to be its Master’s submissive little whore

dance with me…

Take me with you on this grand excursion called life
free from distractions that interfere and the awfulness of strife
 
Leave the hesitations and reservations far behind
look ahead to the adventures that together we will find
 
Your hands laid upon this skin so warm
wrapped tightly around protecting it keeping it from harm
 
Go out in a blaze of glory on a journey with love as our only guide
walking in each day with a surmountable measure of joy taking it all in stride
 
Destination unknown arrival times to be revealed not an ounce of defeat
unchartered plans with the wind at our feet
 
Not a worry to come up against as we take this well deserved flight
high on the wings of Eagles we soar deep into the night
 
Reflections show us where we once had been
marked with a stern pillar of grace always to remember when
 
Eyes gazing forward seeking so much more
moving on to bigger and better is what our hearts have in store 
 
Won’t You take me by the collar and lead me along Your side
while i follow You a rope length behind excitedly along for the mystery ride 
 
Cast the fears away they serve no purpose now
leap out to the new ledge of hope faith will show You how
 
You and Your little girl complete the package of peace the truth it lies within
from here on out building on respect honor and love our new life shall begin

self abandonment…

Did i even know this concept existed? Not until one day it was pointed out as my current state of abuse. Question… Why did i constantly feel so neglected, left out, left behind and forgotten? Answer… for self awareness sake, because i allowed it.

i had grown up more than feeling this enormous amount of depletion from others, but hadn’t a clue why until my behaviors reflected the broken, walking-wounded soul within. The scars keep reminding me of the battles i have faced while the wounds resurface with every lasting trace, but i need… someone

As a child i had no control over my own circumstances, nor did i add to the fault by simply being that good little girl, quiet and invisible. What did abandonment look like or worse, feel like? For me it looked like a scared, pathetic little person chasing after love, but never catching up to it. To not feel like i had any sense of belonging or inclusion of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, devastation, solitude, isolation and shame, but i need… someone

How does this coincide with ditching myself? It goes hand in empty hand. i was taught to not call attention to my needs, no matter how loud my heart was screaming out. Ignore the emotional inner rampage building up inside and i can get through another agonizing day and lonely night. This is what all youngsters must go through and feel like, right? It must be, but i need… someone

Sure i’ll marry you and have three wonderful sons. At least then the pain of lonliness and abandonment will subside and i will finally have a purpose for my existence. Be the best mom and shower them with all the attention i never received or was worthy of. They deserve it, afterall, they need… me

Why am i angry all the time? i began to wonder, but couldn’t stop the rage. He is gone more than he is home. Drunk again. Leaving me alone. i recognize this. i know what to do, chase him. Prove to him i am worthy of his glory, his time, his presence, his love. Ah screw it, he is a lost cause. Focus on those three amazing sons. i won’t have to chase them down. Besides, they won’t run very far, they need… me

Alone, lost and frightened once again. What do i do? What should i do? Am i better off to accept what comes my way and swallow it whole to avoid the dreary pains of being left? This anger won’t leave me alone, that i can depend on. Enough was enough i decided one final day. It was within the midst of some toxic time with my confidant, that i gained the courage and strength to tell that man to leave. Sooo, it took an additional ten years of abuse and neglect, infidelity and lies, but i took the plunge. For the first time i realized, i need… me

i was immensely discontent and abandoned by all those who claimed to love me that it became normal to me. i learned from the best teachers how to pretend to live without my basic needs met. Oh i knew what i was missing because there was no greater hurt than to be by myself and wonder if anyone would ever truly love me just for me. One day i found a special place, a gathering of humans, other walking woundeds who graciously accepted me and all my brokenness, battle scars and all. They taught me self love, gave me a sense of self worth and offered me hope beyond my wildest imagination. They introduced me to a loving God who patiently waited at my heart’s door for me to open it and let Him in. Could it be? Is it possible that He needs… me? Because i came to believe, that i need… Him

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Confounded once more, did i do it to myself yet again? Unlearned lessons are destined to repeat themselves. Could this be why i feel like i’m on that familiar life raft, a lost little soul floating aimlessly at sea? i write these jumbled up thoughts to sort my wrong thinking out and to remember;

Evil thoughts always come back and will haunt me for life, “stop leaving me alone!” So i am beginning to manage them rather than the other way around. i am strengthened in You and i can do anything through You. i need… You 

i am worthy of love, honest, warm and true. i deserve time, attention and affection, not just for a moment or two, given to me freely not because i ask but simply because i am sacred not some fruitless task

i know in my heart that i sincerely need you, but i am learning that i need me too…    

 

Come what may…

When there are no words left to speak the candle’s wick begins to sputter

Sudden darkness fills the air with just the moonlight illuminating through a crack

The only sound to be heard are slow paced rotations of one taking the inhalations of the others exhalations  

Enmeshed they are not but rather 2 souls to compliment, bodies intertwined with hearts of desire to keep both wanting

One grows weary from exhaustion of a worrisome existence

The other wrestling and torn determined to hold up a  firm structured frame 

Fear traps the feet unable to thrust forward

Stuck in their familiar place destination unknown but constantly moving

Unload the baggage that weighs down the progress

Let the natural evolving course of events simply fall into position

Pack up the gloves lay to rest the left over residue of doubt

Be amazed by what is being revealed stand in awe trust what is real

Hold fast to what has been laid at Your feet

Love solely with a pure and gentle heart

 

Receive it and believe it let go and let flow…

 

it ponders in awe of You…

Master's slave

What is it about You that makes this body ache? 

The way You watch its every move Yours completely to take

How do You keep it in a constant state of lust?

Showing it in multiple ways The Man that it can trust

When did it start to feel safe as it never has before?

The moment You took possession and claimed it Your little whore

Where it often wonders the next place You will bring us to?

Then it remembers its place and to have faith in all You do

Who it is with You is all it needs to know

Master’s little slave continuing to grow  

This heart is overflowing its body craves You through its days

To honor please serve and love You submissively in all ways

 

secret thoughts kept in the doubting mind of His lsgk…

Maybe it’s all in her head
she wonders if He thinks she doesn’t know
she remains quietly praying over the one thing she does dread
instinct is a peculiar feeling
very seldom wrong
she has learned to listen intently to it
not push aside or place on ignore
this powerful message is what keeps her strong
she carries on acting as if wanting this life to be real
her best effort put forward to honor serve and please
her heart body mind and soul invested, excited just to feel
in her past she ignored the truth a safer place to hide
deny what was right in front of her 
not face the gut wrenching realities that hurt too much inside 
smile through the days
in the night He is right there
what really ventures through our minds 
enjoy this moment in time knowing how much we share 
being this girl in her deep level of submission is beautiful yet makes her very tired 
He reminds her often this is no easy task 
a consensual agreement to this lifestyle of which we both are wired  
so much to learn as her training continues she steadily grows 
not wanting to have insecurities be content in His loving arms
His property needs to feel safe under His control this He surely knows
one thing is certain this girl recognizes her value worth and gift capable to rise above 
understanding all this entails as she offers herself to Him daily wanting just to trust
in return she desires to receive His security protection and love 
the day washes over them our small town fun we did partake 
laughing and drinking talking and playing 
a beautiful day please never let me be awake 
 tears streamed slowly down as they walked through the door leaving a black stained face 
The Master slowly drifts off to His slumber while His slave nuzzles close in His warm embrace
the liquid truth serum revealing with His whispering voice in her ear~ 
“Your Master cherishes His slave you know, that is why I chose you and I show much I care”…
 

I grew up (started to) when I learned to it different…

This is how it will start, my notes, my story, my life. God is amazing. He always does for me what I usually can never do for myself. Either because I am afraid and I don’t trust the process, or I simply lack the strength to do the right thing. I don’t have to like it, but as long as I accept it, I can get to the other side a little quicker, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. He reminds me I am never alone as long as I walk with Him…

I’m getting a little bit stronger…

 my saving grace song no matter how much love lingers in my heart for you

if loving is a crime, then convict me…

rainbow

Forever in awe of a rainbow painted in the sky
Hope is what I’m after, longing to be free
Wishing on three white horses grazing in the grass
That love is out there waiting, someday it will find me

It does exist, I see it all around
In my child like ways loving with my whole heart
Unconditional and true, faithful and pure
Never understanding another who can tear it all apart

To play laugh and sing from the highest mountain top
Wondering how it would feel to be happy joyous and free
Just to be held when things are frightening
Yet always know it is safe just to be

Look into these innocent eyes tell me I am safe
Words are just that, hastily spoken destined to deceive
Why then this heart, so trusting and wide open
Despite of it all, it is desperate to believe

The chasing of his love just to feel worthy
Memories of anguish go as far back as seven
Daddy don’t leave me the pattern soon began
Fifteen years later mom would go to heaven

These insides weren’t just shredded but now have become empty
Depleted of love alone to figure it out and take that solo stand
Caring so deeply only meant you too would leave
So I grasp a bit tighter as it sifts through my hand

A heart forever on the mend
That same little girl in school
Playing follow the leader, led by whomever knew the way
Ending up lost again feeling like the fool

How broken I must be to accept the crumbs you offer
Deprivation reigns over while self worth is tattered
Why do I continue to hope and dream
My spirit once more is shattered

Messaged delivered, this time driven home hard
Everything is gone, I cringe in dismay
The power exchanged was destroyed in a flash
With one final shove you pushed me away

My rough edges have been softened
This girl somehow prevails though scared and all alone
Scarred and broken, wounded and raw
She has to figure out again how to make it on her own

the-girl-who-circumnavigated-the-world-in-a-dream-of-her-own-making-paul-bond

positive self talk, “girl…”

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trust the unseen

you think that you know

the blinders came off

to expose the awful show

a fool in your own eyes

in your heart a disaster

your mind played tricks

while you tried to run faster

away from the reality

look in the mirror

what do you see

nowhere to hide

this time I chose me

hold tight to your heart

regain your dignity

no regrets or remorse

celebrate your victory

you’ve always had a choice

how quickly you get lost

led down the dark and narrow

possessed and then tossed

out of the ashes beauty remains

you’ve experienced more pain than a lifetime should hold

the healing is coming as you draw Him close to you

always remember you have a heart made of gold