its ok to not be ok…

hidden behind the facade where the walls have been erected with mortar made from mud

the little child terrified from the fractured heart bound by fishing line and chicken rings

wounds too deep when unkind words activate are torn open wide exposed for all to see

how often played are messages of old embedded in the brain heard in hope of hearing a different tune

don’t invade personal space and catch a glimpse of the vulnerability and transperency

access denied to enter the gates of self protection

the guards wearing suits of armor ruthlessly portray indignant self reliance

puffed up to a world as the illusive island upon which to stand is safer than risk of possibility 

open the window just a crack  and take a peek 

allow the shell that remains the chance to be mended and filled once again

a celebration awaits with a resounding boastful hooray

the time is now to embrace the abundance with eyes open wide

declare the deserving of goodness trust the promise of deliverance and faithfulness of retention

let go the broken pieces for they shattered credibility while decieving what’s honorable inside

be free from shackled wrong beliefs knowing love covers all including places that attempt to hide

 

 

 

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if loving is a crime, then convict me…

rainbow

Forever in awe of a rainbow painted in the sky
Hope is what I’m after, longing to be free
Wishing on three white horses grazing in the grass
That love is out there waiting, someday it will find me

It does exist, I see it all around
In my child like ways loving with my whole heart
Unconditional and true, faithful and pure
Never understanding another who can tear it all apart

To play laugh and sing from the highest mountain top
Wondering how it would feel to be happy joyous and free
Just to be held when things are frightening
Yet always know it is safe just to be

Look into these innocent eyes tell me I am safe
Words are just that, hastily spoken destined to deceive
Why then this heart, so trusting and wide open
Despite of it all, it is desperate to believe

The chasing of his love just to feel worthy
Memories of anguish go as far back as seven
Daddy don’t leave me the pattern soon began
Fifteen years later mom would go to heaven

These insides weren’t just shredded but now have become empty
Depleted of love alone to figure it out and take that solo stand
Caring so deeply only meant you too would leave
So I grasp a bit tighter as it sifts through my hand

A heart forever on the mend
That same little girl in school
Playing follow the leader, led by whomever knew the way
Ending up lost again feeling like the fool

How broken I must be to accept the crumbs you offer
Deprivation reigns over while self worth is tattered
Why do I continue to hope and dream
My spirit once more is shattered

Messaged delivered, this time driven home hard
Everything is gone, I cringe in dismay
The power exchanged was destroyed in a flash
With one final shove you pushed me away

My rough edges have been softened
This girl somehow prevails though scared and all alone
Scarred and broken, wounded and raw
She has to figure out again how to make it on her own

the-girl-who-circumnavigated-the-world-in-a-dream-of-her-own-making-paul-bond

it only takes a few words…

best friend

The sun came up after a rare, peaceful night’s sleep. Exhausted from traveling, yet somehow more filled up. Then a simple gesture comes through, one little touch, my best friend reaches out into my heart she did creep;

“I’m thinking about you today.

I wish I could do something to help, but only time will.” 

A tear springs to my eye reminding me to feel.

Why am I struggling so? God help me heal!

I have come so far from the place I once clung to. By now I would have sought out in another to numb and distract me until time moved me on and I could start anew.

God has shown me the ways to care about me, not rely on the world to cover my wounds, but to look up and find refuge in all that I see.

These days remind me still that I am the same girl, wanting love and protection the need to be filled.

For a brief period of time in the grand scheme of things, I was blessed to have had a glimpse of what it might bring. 

His actions on my mind how they still ring out, like a song to my heart, console and bring comfort his words they do shout;

“It’s handled kitty…”

loved kitty

Those three simple words I came to trust and depend on, in essence when spoken from his lips, never let me down.

Having been starved for love since being a little girl, the craving for more brought me to a place I thought I’d never feel.

It surely felt like God’s hands were right in there, delivering His blessing through the flesh of a savior.

Choices I have made I can finally see, the rungs on the ladder got out of order because of me.

“I didn’t ask you to put me there.”

Ladder-to-heaven

“I did that all on my own.”

It has taken this time for clarity to erase some of the confusion that had fogged my vision and took me to a horizontal position.

Sometimes I think I see God’s plan, His vision and design, at least a small portion of what He has in mind.

I am so grateful you graced my life and entered my heart, not a note of regret nor an ounce of remorse, only fond memories play a part. 

memory

 

Her wounds cut deep, a reflection of her soul…

you may not want to hear this or may not want to say

but God truly is love and He will prove it to you this day

what you may not see perhaps or simply cannot believe

you are a child of His a treasure deserving to receive

God's design

She hides behind her wounds and tears

the pain so deep running from her fears

searching for love desperate to feel

how scarred her insides will they ever heal

her arms show traces of what cuts through her heart

the broken little girl shattered and torn apart

whom can she trust to hold her by the hands

to lead her where she’s safe from all of life’s demands

she’s scared and all alone in a world that seems so cruel

but what she has yet to discover a love that’s honest and true

 lost and walking aimlessly

 God help this child of Yours

she’s only wanting to be set free

filling her with wisdom life and of love

this I pray unto You my Lord in Heaven above

 love-of-god-through-stormy-times

I’m not who I once was, but I’m not yet who I strive to be…

kitty-lion

Have you ever stared in the mirror for so long that you started to not recognize your own image? I can gaze into my Captain’s eyes for the longest time and see deep inside his very soul. Sometimes, he has to look away when it becomes too intense. Earlier this evening I had a wash of sadness come over me and the tears began to flow. For whatever reason, I went to the bathroom and stood there taking a long hard look at this lady in the mirror. Within minutes, I had tear-stained cheeks and I no longer recognized me.

The whites of my eyes were turning red, my lips began to swell, as my mascara started to smear. I said out loud to myself, “how did I get to this place again?” The answer did not come, no calmness or revelation, only sorrow. There was a time when I would have tried to outrun this dreadful feeling, but today I was willing to stand there and just be.

Maybe that was why I did not see a familiar image reflecting back at me. Although the face I was watching was sad, she was still and her feet were firmly planted on the ground. My only explanation is that I had a conversation with God only moments before. I told Him of the ache in my heart, but He already knew. So I asked Him to bind up these gaping wounds of my flesh and while He was at it, to please do the same for my Captain. While I had Him on the line, I praised Him for His Grace and Mercy.

I was reminded that this too shall pass, but it didn’t stop me from uttering the words, “please hurry”! I understand that feelings are valid just by virtue of being mine, but I need to acknowledge Captain’s as well. I caused him unjust anger and I am praying for the opportunity to make this right in his glorious eyes.

We had a very big misunderstanding last night and instead of listening to his words telling me to let him be, I pushed for a resolution. Selfishly, I did not want to sit in the uncomfortable pain while waiting for him to process his feelings. The ultimate form of disrespect imaginable. I could not apologize to his contentment and it only seemed to escalate his frustration and irritation with me.

I began to ask myself, “Who is this girl? Listen to what you are being told and stop misbehaving”. It was if I was having an out of my freakin’ mind experience and no longer had control of my own ability to be rational. I know I deserve the consequences of my unacceptable behavior as I await what is coming next.

I have spent the better part of today on an emotional roller coaster. I have been self-convicted for the infraction that occurred. I sit anxiously staring in that mirror, trying to recall how I arrived here. The memory becomes as blurry as the vision I see staring back at me.

respect-love