Actively participating in a submissive’s own life, apart from and separate to that of its Master/Dominant/Owner. Is this even possible or desirable? Because it is absolutely necessary for us to grow.
Actively participating in a submissive’s own life, apart from and separate to that of its Master/Dominant/Owner. Is this even possible or desirable? Because it is absolutely necessary for us to grow.
no matter where You are no matter how far
Your instructions are clear even when You aren’t near
this girl’s new bedtime to abide by every night
You have good reason for turning out the light
You taught me how to count the pictures in my mind
as I drift off to dreamland pleasant dreams I soon would find
grateful You care enough to take the time I need
without You it’s easy to get lost not following Your lead
i didn’t see her at first as she walked into the post office. i closed my box, taking my key out and turned to see her face. Immediately, tears sprang to her eyes as a sudden jolt of pain coursed through her hollow heart. Without hesitation i walked straight towards this long time friend of mine, arms open wide for her to collapse for the moment. The only words to form my lips were “i love you, i’m so sorry”.
She was on autopilot, then repeated them back to me, “I love you too” as a gentle sob emerged from her chest. In an instant i felt her pain and agony over losing her husband in a tragic, freak accident just months earlier. This was no coincidence to see one another, because it is a very rare occurence for our paths to cross. No, God knew exactly what she needed and He made that Divine appointment in her honor, possibly mine as well. This little girl is no stranger to sudden loss.
as i write my thoughts down whether here on my personal, semi-private (from my real life) blog, or my endless journals that are found in different bags, cupboards and tables throughout my home, along with my laptop filled with word docs, i think, “if The Good Lord took me home in an instant, who would read my deepest thoughts”? Suddenly it occurred to me, my heart and soul are bared to no one in particular, but for anyone to read. my mind drifts to my three sons first. Would they embrace having the knowledge knowing their mom even better than they do now?
i’m reminded of the movie Bridges of Madison County and how upon her death, Merle Streep revealed her true self in her journals to her grown children at last. Her daughter was filled with delight as her son shivered at the thought of his mother having sex at all, let alone with a complete stranger to him whom she was deeply in love with. Lucky girl to have known that love.
i’ve not drawn any conclusion as to how i feel about this “what if” scenario that has given me pause, but honestly i’m not hiding anything in the preparation of “just in case” either. Everything will remain as is. i welcome the idea of at the very least, my three sons “getting to know” their true submissive mom and her journey of life.
Having a close relationship with each of them in our own unique ways, i would never be embarrassed and certainly not ashamed of who i am. It would be my hope and heart’s deepest desire that knowing the truth and accepting that i lived very happily within my lifestyle, would make them smile. i already have the picture in my heart and mind of them sitting around the bonfire with their cigs and bottle of whatever, toasting mom and chuckling together at the real life me that they probably already suspect anyhow.
::giggle and cheers boys::
They all know i love them each to the moon and back.
Nothing else matters.
Living with no regrets, speaking the truth of what is on my heart at the moment it is placed there, is how i choose to live life today. It is far to precious a gift not to cherish every golden moment, challenge and triumph.
my contentment…a life of serving within a relationship of honesty and integrity that includes structure, respect, honor, trust, patience, adoration, excitement, fun, erotic sex and love, formed and created out of Dominance and submission, allowing the other freedom to “just be” while naked and vulnerable, as the raw flesh we were born to be within each other’s presence. Personally i celebrate it and have faith that so would those who are privy to my special life…
i’ve learned the difficult way to never be afraid of those three little words that are the only reason we are even here to enjoy and embrace this earthly walk called life. I love you, say it boldly and loudly, softly and constantly, feel it, declare it, mean it, know it, hold it, understand it’s abundance, that it covers all, because in the end, it is the only thing that anyone can ever take with them and also leave behind…
I’ll stop crying when my tears dry up. I’ll stop wallowing when the waves stop taking me under. I’ll stop feeling the pain when my heart is mended and has been restored. I’ll stop talking about this when there’s nothing left to say.
Until these things come to pass, I am where I am.
I am left with this as the ending to our self entitled story, “my Sir and His kitty”;
“Of all the relationships ever in my life I would have sworn on the good book that we would have never stood a chance of ending up here. I’m sorry to have hurt you.” (former Sir)
Touching? Soothing? hmmm, the correct answer is, no. If I were to share the hurtful words that preceded this final statement from my former Sir, I feel confident you would concur. However, it is not within my capabilities to put those intimate details out to the world, regardless of my anonymity here, but just know, they cut me deeply.
Here I am, spun in confusion and sitting in disbelief still. Moments of clarity come in the reflective times. Sadness often prevails when a memory is sparked by a fleeting thought or a vision of a place we spent time together. I am learning to manage my feelings by simply allowing them to come. As much as I want to rebuke them because they are so uncomfortable, I try to embrace each one as my only means of escape.
Sir, former as you are now, no longer am I going to give you the power to destroy my self-worth. Done are my desperate, weak attempts that directed me to relentlessly prove myself to you and for you. I was depleted of my dignity as I settled into acceptance of you being deemed the ruler of us.
My final sentiments I sent to you from my heart;
“All I ever wanted was to be yours and yours alone. I’m just sorry that wasn’t all you ever wanted of me too”. (His former kitty)
Somewhere along the way that was the message received. I pushed harder to fit inside the illusion of who you wanted me to be. I was continually met with resistance and couldn’t understand why. Story of my life darlin’; “if I only do more, be more, try more, I will succeed in performing right for you and then be accepted and loved”. All of which are contradictory to everything I have worked so hard to escape from these past 11 years.
I am praying to be finished with dwelling in the pain and defeat. I ask God to lift these feelings of discouragement and remove them. I know who I am and I know Whose I am.. The systems of my life I have operated in, have been a small series of men all of whom I endured verbal abuse from.
The way it has been is not the way it has to stay. God did not make me faulty and He will not participate in a path of self-destruction. He has nothing but grand intentions for me. When will I pay attention and be obedient solely to Him? It is time to stop allowing the enemy opportunities to create spiritual warfare on my soul. He is crafty, that one and works his evil ways on the insides of others, but my God is bigger!
Contentment is what I strive for today. Without it I will continually seek fulfillment from outside sources, ensuring the bondage of self.
The Lord continues to reveal more brokenness of you my love, my former Sir, because that’s what I needed to have a better understanding to our finality. Wreckage that has wreaked havoc on someone should never be an excuse for bad behavior, only a reason.
We are always appointed to be accountable and responsible for our actions. Coming to terms with that is how I escape blame and shame. Acceptance shows up, relieving pain and anger from their positions and being replaced by compassion and forgiveness on the other side.
I am not where I once was, but I am not yet where I am going. If I were, this would be the end of my journey and my final goodbye. No, I will rise up and shine once again, just like before.
My heart may be pierced, tear stains on my cheeks, new scars that will be there to remind me, but my value is intact. It can no more be lessened than it can be increased or determined by another. No one is that powerful.
Where did Kitty go? Maybe the better question is, when did Kitty disappear? It was a subtle transition as my former Sir introduced a D/s lifestyle sometime back. At the time that was the way it was presented to me, a lifestyle, but somewhere along the way, the former Sir decided that a 24/7 wasn’t what he desired after all and the rules changed. The new memo was not entered into the invisible book, instead it was rather an assumption I was to just know . So lets keep it to a scene only D/s relationship, but continue to divulge in the lifestyle at particular moments that were never quite clear. The former Sir commanded and demanded every ounce of respect he was deserving of and kitty willingly complied.
He still deemed me his kitty and expected my submissiveness around the clock, when it worked for him, but still I wanted it. Confusion eroded this kitty’s brain. When do I behave as an authentic sub? The clouded version of what this looked like to kitty was far different from Sir’s version. When kitty was too playful in public, Sir gave disapproving looks with the assurance of correction when we got home. Another memo lost or blatantly not sub-mitted in the rule book. What was happening?
As time went on, the expectations placed on kitty increased to a larger scale that she began to feel defeated. There was such uncertainty to Sir’s rules that left kitty sitting in wonder and self-doubt of her obedience and her role anymore. Often she became paralyzed by thoughts of making a wrong decision for fear of looking badly in her former Sir’s eyes. The last thing kitty ever wanted was to let him down. So she carried on as if all was well, because the former Sir would falsely lead her to believe that as the truth.
The deception that was being created was becoming unbearable to this once purring kitty. She now was in a constant state of inner turmoil that caused her to second guess her once confident self. The surety of what was to be a protected safe interaction between two people who consciously chose to enter a lifestyle together, quickly became tainted by extracurricular activities by her former Sir.
Long before they found themselves in this existence, the former Sir casually mentioned it once and he was told that his kitty does not share her Sir. Her boundaries clearly spoken, yet Sir held tight to his conviction that nothing had changed from when he first stated this long before. Here is where it became a muddled mess, a technicality if you will. Knowing my feelings that I am never willing to be one of many, why would I knowingly stay along for this ride? Why would Sir keep me? He didn’t need me.
Because it was not spoken of again, kitty thought she was understood and had nothing to fear. How could it be viewed any other way I pleaded. According to the former Sir, because it was stated once, it didn’t deserve the consideration to be revisited as they evolved in their relationship and he carried on. Unspoken words on both sides have led us to this place of destruction, pain and sorrow.
As this lost kitty reflects back and comes to this present day, she mentally follows the path that brought us to this place we are now stuck in, turmoil of finality. The result has been the demise of this once faithfully purring kitty and, what I had assumed, was a satisfied, respected Sir.
We prided ourselves for our ability to communicate about anything, but even that became a criticized event on the former Sir’s side. His constant claiming that he was not being heard or his concerns being considered was inaccurate from my side. It began to feel like I was dealing with a man whose past life continually taunts and tortures him and I was somehow responsible for cleaning up the wreckage created by those who came before me.
Now this kitty feels she has been led astray, broken, crushed and wounded. Was there malicious, self sabotaging intent on the former Sir’s part? I cannot definitively answer that, for it would be mere speculation, but it feels that way. The reasons that come up for me are his own paralyzing fear to commit for fear of betrayal from the women in his past.
For this kitty to have entered into such a deep, intimate interaction between two people that is solely based on trust, I now feel very deceived and extremely used and abused. My former Sir broke the rules and the trust that must accompany the standards of this world we became a part of. Too often the rules were rewritten and his kitty never received a copy. She was left to guess, figure things out and when she couldn’t, there was unfair punishment administered. Usually in the form of her former Sir withholding himself from her as he, “made room for others” because I “wasn’t interested in stepping up”. To what, I never had defined concisely, only left feeling depleted of his love. That was highly torturous and demeaning to kitty.
In the end, kitty’s Sir stripped her the right to call him her Sir any longer, deeming her unworthy and she is to “earn that privilege back over time” when her former Sir lets her know. She continued to fall short in his eyes, so she tried harder to no avail. Eventually the light shined down on the truth, that her former Sir had in fact not committed to her in the way she had thought. Instead he eluded her for some time as she continued to feel excluded and doubted he ever intended to give her any part of him.
It is now clear that this once amazing Dominant had become Domineering. It was a gradual shift, but over the course of events had become apparent to kitty. Now she is left holding her heart in her hands as her tears continue to shed, wondering how she arrived at this place…
Deep in thought about respect, love, honor, loyalty and submission. All of which I have and willingly give to my Sir. The question arises now, do I have these coming back to me. I cannot definitively say anymore as new light is shed upon circumstances beyond my comprehension to hold. Discretion is not a fine tuned practice for anyone and I am not immune to it. So now I ask myself, if I am not being exclusively committed to, should I be committed? This gives me pause, reason to ponder and reevaluate my own boundaries.
I have grown in my love for my Sir. Given full submission to Him and gratefully surrender my mind, body and soul to Him. Upon meeting this beautiful soul just shy of three years ago, I was determined not to let Him near my heart, let alone my body. Sir was (and still is) easy on the eye. Our ability to carry on an easy flowing conversation was very attractive to me. His emotional maturity refreshing along with His natural way of leading. It was only a matter of months before I was in. One morning out to breakfast together, after a guise of seeing His new mantel and wood stove, before I knew it, Sir “took what was His” and has ever since.
Although we were both very vanilla back then, not having the pleasure of voicing our desires in either of our past lives, we slowly began to discover deeper sensual things about the other. Even then, the submission had begun for me as He was learning to exercise the true Man that resided within and I the sub wanting to explode and surrender to Him.
It wasn’t until earlier this year that Sir introduced a new lifestyle, one toy, one erotic scene, one conversation at a time. At last our kinks, fetishes, mutual desires began to be revealed. Exploration of the other introduced an entire new form of this flourishing relationship we now refer to as D/s.
So I am in conflict with myself, my feelings and mostly my own boundaries of what I am willing to participate in. As a beautiful, willing, young enough sub who strives hard and succeeds most of the time to please her Sir, I am praying for the courage to share my truth, speak from my heart and say out loud to my Sir what He already knows. The fact that I not only need exclusiveness I have to feel secure in this wish that He is capable of honoring it. In order for me to continue our journey together along this path that He paves the way for, I must use my voice.
The struggle remains because the outcome is unknown. What I do know is I have but this one life and I no longer intend to live it in wonder and confusion. I allowed myself to remain in an unhealthy marriage ten years longer than I ought to have when it was clearly sentenced to death long before. Sir had a very similar experience and close to the same length of dreaded time. In actuality, this is the first working, healthy relationship either of us has ever encountered because we are both working on our own “stuff”. We have taken risks in each other, invested more than I ever thought possible. Each worthy of the other. This is in no way to have the feel of or give a sense of an ultimatum. I would never disrespect my Sir in that way. It is the fact merely suggesting that I am aware I must be true to me. He wouldn’t want me any other way.
I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, nor is perfection something I aspire to, but rather living up to the very best of my capabilities is my goal. Sir pushes me hard to achieve these and He sees the positive outcome in the results. He reminds me that it makes Him happy and it pleases Him very much . In turn, those compliments encourage me to work harder whether it be for my career, my body or simply life. The rewards are endless. His care and compassion ignite my soul.
Together we make complete sense.
Sir is everything I never knew I always wanted…
“When the sub begins topping from the bottom, or becoming dominant (small ‘d’) conflict erupts because one loses the trust required for D/s to become or remain functionally correct”. Partial comment from My Sir’s Mynx~
There are times when I find myself doing this and I don’t even realize it until my Sir brings it to my attention. I found myself in this predicament this evening. Sir informed me although I “have been much better”, it has still been happening now and again. As I sit here tonight alone with my thoughts, I am reflecting upon my feelings and recent transactions of such. Drawing a conclusion of the realization that yes, I hold myself in contempt, guilty as accused.
Is it enough to have the awareness of this action? The answer comes back with clarity, no, it is not. So what is the action to take? Change the behavior. Stay mindful of the feeling that washes over me when I know the discomfort of attempting to manage my Leader, my Sir. If I have chosen to be a true submissive, act like it. Embrace it. Don’t reverse and think topping from the bottom will slide by, going unnoticed. There will be unpleasant consequences and I am the one accountable and responsible for them.
Words are just that. Mere babble of desperation to correct a wrong in order to make it right because it is uncomfortable. That is not sufficient nor does it deserve a pass. It fucks up the boundaries in the relationship that have been established. The respect that my Sir is completely deserving of appears modified and fabricated, when in actuality it is absolutely not. Meager attempts to back paddle and correct bad girl behavior is a high form of disrespect for the wishes and limits set and spoken by my Sir.
I am not sure where this came from or why the spring has been tapped. The holidays play an intricate part. In my world they aren’t all rosy and bright. There is a stigma that looms a little black cloud above. I have so much to be grateful for in my life, but as the days draw near, my expectations seem to rise. I want nothing more than for my Sir to take the sting out of the gloomy days that are lurking ahead, but that is not truly His to take on. My feelings belong to me.
My thoughts are as jumbled as my words here tonight. My healing comes from emptying my head and sharing my heart. I need to catch my breath, realize my position and adjust accordingly to the rightful ways of which life is flowing. A temporary loss of my way and direction.
Thank You for steering me back with Your strong lead and disciplinary tone. I choose to listen closer and follow once again.
Defining Life's Changes
A compendium of resources and thoughts about abuse in the BDSM world, and a lot about abuse in general that is useful regardless of one's sexual preferences.
Good Music, Doggies, Recovery, and More!!!
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A Glimpse Into The World a of a Real Married D/S Couple
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Where I can be myself and be with Daddy
be who you were created to be, and you will set the world on fire
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A woman exploring the world of BDSM and sharing what she discovers...
A blog about my BDSM D/s relationship with Sir.
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